Family struggles explaining divorce to children

DEAR AMY » Iam the grandmother of three children (3-year-old twins, and a 5-year-old).

My son and his wife are divorcing after nine years of marriage.

The children haven’t been told yet. Could you recommend a book that we can read to guide us when we let them know? The parents are both good people. They both adore their kids.

My son was just told by his wife that she doesn’t want to be married anymore.

My husband and I have a very good relationship with our daughter-in-law. She’s a wonderful mother.

Thank you for your advice.

— Worried Gran

DEAR GRAN » Divorce happens in a series of stages, and with children this young, their understanding of what is happening to their family will also happen in stages. They are all lucky to have your involvement and support; your household is the one place where these children are not likely to see any extreme changes. Continue to offer them love and stability — and lots and lots of hugs.

Divorce profoundly affects children, and anyone who tells you that kids “roll with the punches” is blind to the depth of a child’s emotions. All of the adults involved should always put the children first. A “good” divorce will not traumatize the children. A “bad” divorce could.

Read this book, and give a copy to your son and his wife: “The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive,” by Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. (2004, Viking).

There are a number of books written for children to try to help them through the bumpy passage of separation, divorce or loss. I like “Sun Kisses, Moon Hugs,” by Susan Schaefer Bernardo and Courtenay Fletcher (2017, Inner Flower Child Books). This lovely picture book encourages children to explore the nature of love. The message is: “No matter how far apart we are, I will always find a way to tell you I love you.” Have tissues handy; this sweet and poignant message will resonate deeply with everyone.