Battered woman contemplates remarrying ex-husband

DEAR AMY » Iam so shattered. I remarried my husband twice, and now he is asking for me to marry him for the third time.

I know he’s having an affair with one of his high school flings. The second time we got married, the minister, who didn’t know we had been married before, mentioned the “holy sacrament” and proclaimed the “mystery of marriage.”

What’s the stupid mystery?

I suppose what I really don’t understand is why I have married him twice. He has beaten me in both marriages. He always apologized and promised he would never do it again, but it happened again. Now, he is asking me to marry him again, and he’s gone to anger management and vowed he would never hit me again — and that he would terminate his affair with his current fling, if I agreed to marry him.

After his continual affairs, I had an affair of my own, which I thought was a way of equalizing my pain, and then he beat me repeatedly, and then went back to his high school fling!

I refuse to be owned. I just want to be loved by a man who will not cheat on me.

Should I remarry him for the third time if he promises to quit beating me, and stops his promiscuous behavior? — So Distressed

DEAR DISTRESSED » Instead of wasting time talking about your abusive ex, let’s talk about you.

All of your choices are predicated on his promises to change. But he’s promised to change before, and he has never changed. You CAN change. You MUST change. For your own mental and physical health and safety, and for the peace of mind of the people who (actually really and truly) love you, you must change.

Repeat this smart phrase to yourself: “If I always do what I’ve always done, I’ll always get what I’ve always got.”

If you don’t go back to your ex, you have a real chance at transformation — and that includes the possibility of someday meeting someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

Survivors of partner violence (such as yourself) sometimes have a tough time leaving the abusive relationship — even when the partner has already left and continues to be abusive at a distance (as your ex is being).

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233, or use their online chat function at thehotline.org to be connected with a counselor who can listen and help you. You already have insight. You say you refuse to be owned (good for you!). What you need now is compassionate support and loving kindness — as you walk away, permanently, from this terrible relationship.

Amy Dickinson