Husband and wife disagree over work-life

DEAR AMY » Recently, my husband said that for him, work will always be the first priority.

This is something that has never been “divulged” in our almost five-year marriage.

This pains me, as I would assume that our marriage/family would be the first priority, with work/career being a close second.

We have gone back and forth on this, and it seems he can’t wrap his mind around my lack of understanding of his position.

He thinks that putting his career first is in fact, in some ways, putting our marriage and family first.

We do not have any children yet, and I now find myself slightly sick to my stomach thinking about how I may have married a man that will never consider me his first priority.

I’m not quite ready to throw in the towel, but I’m wondering what your advice would be for me?

— Heartbroken Wife

DEAR HEARTBROKEN » You should view your husband’s actions as being better indicators for where his priorities lie. Did this whole question come up in the first place because he is prioritizing his work over your marriage?

Both of you are responding to the whole “work” question in gender-traditional ways: he sees himself first as a worker and provider, and you see yourself first as a spouse and a family member.

It would be very easy for your husband to simply deliver a loving lie and say to you, “Well, honey, you will always be Number One.”

But realistically, and speaking from my vantage point on the far side of a very long career, there are times when work has to come first, but there are also times when I’ve simply wanted to put work first.

There are also times — many times — when work takes a back seat. A more nuanced view for both of you would be to look at life as a waxing and waning of needs and interests through time.

By all means, do not have children until you are comfortable with the work-life balance in both of your lives.