The Morning Journal (Lorain, OH)
Adult seeks to heal from childhood trauma
DEAR AMY » I was a victim of sexual abuse, starting when I was 4 years old. I was first raped when I was 7. As a result, I (to my frustration and shame) became very promiscuous as a young teen and into adulthood. I have allowed myself to be abused physically, emotionally and sexually my entire life. The patterns of pain are difficult to bear.
I have battled drug addiction and shame for, first, what was done to me, and then because of my shame at my own behaviors afterward. I am following a much better path now. I’m 36 and have lost so much of my life. At one point, I tried to kill myself.
I know how terrible it all sounds. If I were to listen to my story from anyone else, my heart would break for them. But for myself, I am impatient and frustrated with how I have wasted my life. How do I forgive myself?
Trying to Mend
DEAR TRYING » For survivors of abuse, certainly at the scale you experienced, shame, guilt and anger are the primary emotions you would access. This is because your childhood was stolen from you, and your emotional development was arrested before it was even formed.
You are experiencing many of the signs and symptoms of childhood sexual trauma.
The abuse was not your fault. Repeat this until you believe it, and for the rest of your life. You were exploited and then not protected by the adults who were supposed to protect you. This is truly tragic, and your determination to heal makes you a survivor/warrior.
You should receive professional help from a counselor with an expertise in dealing with adult survivors. As an adult, you need to learn to reclaim your life — and learn, step by step, how to lead a healthy life of integrity and purpose. You have already come so far, and with help, you will continue.
The Wings Foundation serves to connect adult survivors of childhood abuse with therapists and support groups. Check their website at wingsfound.org.
DEAR AMY » I am 22 years old. My fiance is 51. We are very happy together and have a nice life. Years ago, I moved out of my parents’ house. For the first few months after I moved out, my mother was vile. She commented about my weight and my tattoos (that I got after moving out), and attacked my boyfriend. I blocked her numbers. My grandmother was sort of caught in the middle, and while she was on my side, she eventually stopped even mentioning me when she would speak to my mother.
I was always willing to have a relationship with my mother, and wanted to meet with her in a public location. My mother wanted to meet in my grandmother’s apartment. I declined because I did not trust her.
Recently my grandmother was in the hospital, and my mother and I were finally in the same room together. Since then she has not contacted me. I believe she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me, unless I leave my boyfriend.
Even my father loves and accepts me. He asked me what he could do to help us have a relationship.
At this point, what can I do to make my mother accept my decision and want to have a relationship with me?
— Motherless
DEAR MOTHERLESS » You are young, but you seem to have been on your own for a long time.
Your mother might have done many things wrong regarding your relationship, but according to you she has made at least one “bid” to try to see you. Now it’s your turn to try.
If you want to have a relationship with your mother, write to her and say so. Let your father be a go-between. Yes, you two should meet in a public location. Given your history with your mother, any relationship with her will start out rocky — and it may stay that way. But relationships are built with small steps, and one of you has to take the first one.
DEAR AMY » Bravo for your response to “Worried Widower!” Like Worried’s daughter, I grew up with only my dad, who told me the “facts of life.”
Thank goodness my dad was so honest and compassionate when I first got my period! I was so confused and anxious, and he was just really calm and sweet. He did a great job raising me, and I’m really grateful.
— Grateful Daughter
DEAR GRATEFUL » Any — and every — parent should be honest with their children about sex, sexuality and reproduction.
Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ amydickinson.com.