Husband loses wife to Snapchatting soulmate

DEAR AMY » My wife and I have been together for 15 years. We have three children.

I would describe our marriage as normal; we’ve gotten into arguments, but things always tend to bounce back to normal after a few days. There has not been any abuse of any kind. Our house is a healthy one.

We agree on all the major topics, such as politics, religion, money and childrearing.

About a year ago, she started a new job. After an argument, she said that we aren’t soulmates, that I don’t “get” her and that she thinks we should get a divorce.

In 15 years, she had never mentioned these things to me, so it came off as a red flag.

After some snooping, I found out she was Snapchatting with a (male) coworker. I was devastated. I immediately went into save-my-marriage mode. We went to counseling, I worked on the aspects of my personality that she didn’t like, and changed some behaviors. She promised to only maintain a professional relationship with the guy at work.

She has since canceled our counseling because she says it’s not working. She has moved out, and come to find out she’s been lying to me because she never stopped talking to him!

After looking through our cellphone bill, she would call him anywhere from two to six times a day, almost every day. When I confronted her, she claims he is only a friend, their conversations just flow and that he’s a good sounding board, since he doesn’t know our entire history. Am I a fool to believe this?

She says we should break up because of our past and brings up all of our past arguments. But I am willing to work on those things and try to become a better person, husband, and father. Is she just using our past as an excuse to be with this guy? I’ve lost weight, have trouble sleeping and eating and have gone on antidepressants.

— Feel Like a Fool

DEAR FEEL LIKE A FOOL » Brother, I have walked in your shoes. I’m very sorry this is happening to you and your family. But it will get better for you.

Your wife says she has given up on counseling because it “isn’t working.” The reason counseling isn’t working — is because she does not want it to.

At this point, I hope you will focus on your own health and healing — and on the emotional health of your children. In short, you cannot control you wife’s feelings, or her actions. You do you.

A groundbreaking book which may put some of this behavior into focus for you is: “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Atria Books). This classic “how to” on how to rebuild a relationship will put your wife’s behavior into context. It also offers a roadmap to recovery, which might work for you (and your wife, if she is willing to try).

DEAR AMY » I’m a 60-yearold single woman who recently lost a friend of 40 years to cancer.

My friend’s husband, “Jack,” 64, is a wonderful man and misses her terribly.

Jack and I spoke at some length at the memorial service and I sensed he could use some companionship.

He invited me to return to the memorial service venue after I took my mother home for what he said would be “the inner circle after-party.” I didn’t return, but now regret it, and want to contact him.

What is your guidance regarding a woman reaching out to a recent widower to offer her company?

All our mutual friends and family are watching; a misstep would cost me dearly.

— Wondering

DEAR WONDERING » The only misstep I could imagine would be you throwing yourself at this new widower.

But you are not going to do that. You need only contact him to say, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to attend the gathering after “Jill’s” service. How are you doing?”

Reach out in friendship, and follow his cues.

DEAR AMY » Thank you for your compassion regarding the challenging 10-yearold daughter, “Tally,” whose “Befuddled Mom” wrote to you. I especially appreciated that you suggested music and theater — both as outlets and as communities for this child.

— Appreciative

DEAR APPRECIATIVE » I was active in sports as well as music and theater in my (very) small school; and later also in college. Sports always fulfilled an important need (for me), but music and theater always felt like family.

DEAR AMY » I am a retired woman in my 70s. I met a wonderful guy online. He said his wife of 20 years had recently left him — she moved out and he kept the house.

He was sad and angry about the break-up.

After corresponding for several weeks and my visiting him, I made the decision to move in with him, even though I live 1,300 miles away. This was to be a trial relationship. However, as time is going on, I see that he is still very much in

contact with his wife. She has complete access to the house because he says that she still pays part of the bills for the house and has a right to stay in communication.

Recently he told me that they will not be going forward with the divorce, but are looking to go into counseling. He said that because I’d moved so far to be with him that I am welcome to stay in a guest room for now.

He is giving me no guarantees about what will happen, and she is not moving back in for now. They are considered a “power” couple in their circles. It has been very difficult for me to get to know people.

Do I stay, or do I go? If he decides to stay with her, of course there’s nothing I can do. But if he changes his mind I would still like to be available, because he’s a great guy and delightful company.

— Third Wheel?

DEAR THIRD WHEEL » Your wonderful guy has shown you the door to the guest room. Do you really want to stay in the guest room while Mr. Wonderful and his wife work things out with a counselor?

The answer to your question is: you go.

You don’t say why you were so eager to move so quickly, and to move so far from your home for a “trial relationship,” but consider this trial phase to have ended. Things did not work out.

I don’t know if Mr. Wonderful is being honest about his situation with his wife, or if this is his way of showing you the door, but the message he is sending is very clear. It is time for you to go.

I hope you can return to your home base and pick up your life where you left off. I hope, too, that you consider this to have been a useful experience. If Mr. Wonderful wants to resume your relationship down the line, he should demonstrate his interest by visiting you (not the other way around).

DEAR AMY » I’m from a rather large family. My mother has six children.

Ever since we were old enough to start making money, she’s been guilting us into paying her bills.

She lives way above her own means, because she gets five incomes: Her own, plus money from four of us.

I used to be glad that I could help my mother.

Now, I’m 29 and still broke because I’ve given my mother so much money.

I don’t like seeing her cry over bills.

I see this cycle does not help either of us, but what should I say to her? I’m not living with her any more, but she still collects money from me. I want to stay calm with her, though inside my blood boils.

— Broke

DEAR BROKE » You should check with your siblings to see the exact amount each of you are contributing to your mother. Because she is taking money from four of you, she is involving you as partners in her upkeep, and so it is very much your business to know how much she is receiving, and what she is doing with the money. Does she have credit card debt? A gambling problem? Your enabling ultimately is not helping her to cope with her own problems.

After that, you will have to set limits, learn to say a firm “no,” and understand that your primary responsibility at this point in your life is to take care of yourself.