Aging woman puts herself on a desert island

DEAR AMY » Iam a 62-year-old woman. I am still attractive and (blessedly) wrinkle-free, due to being on an aggressive slew of hormones, antioxidants and telomerase-enhancing drugs. (I’m using all the latest technology).

Because I am (apparently) unattractive to men, no matter what I do, I take solace in the few close but platonic relationships I have with a few men.

During a recent walk on the California beach with my friend “Martin,” he pointed out one beautiful nubile young woman after another, and then described his male reaction to them.

Martin also indicated that I should slim down. (I’m not overweight).

As a middle-aged woman, I am used to being marginalized, but I think that, during the last three years, the problem has become acute. I’m not invisible: I’m reviled and demeaned, both by employers and single men. These days you have to look like a porn model to even get by.

Short of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, I don’t know what I can do. I feel that something that was optional years ago is now a necessity: a complete body makeover.

I have become extremely depressed about the situation. Were it not for my loving father, who left me with enough money to live on, I would be out on the streets.

I am still in excellent health. But if people (both men and women) feel my looks are “off,” they will say so!

Short of moving to a desert island and waiting for death, what are we supposed to do? — Wrinkle Free and Upset

DEAR WRINKLE

FREE » You already live on a desert island. You’ve put yourself there, and your obsession with looking youthful in order to attract and hold the male gaze will keep you there.

If men are so awful, then why are you so desperate for one? Why not simply step off of this terrible treadmill, and decide to spend the rest of your life cultivating inner beauty?

Inner beauty comes from your intellect, your character and your interest in the world and in other people. This sort of beauty does not require expensive procedures and products, and it does not fade.

Take some classes or music lessons. Join a book group. Volunteer. Learn to meditate. See a therapist. Find some nice women to hang with. Or move somewhere less shallow.

Here is a passage from the recent obituary of Kathy Kriger, a former diplomat who founded “Rick’s Café” in Casablanca, Morocco, when she was in her late-50s (she died at 72):

“‘If I’m honest, I always thought I would find a man while following my dream. That didn’t happen,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Instead, with Rick looking over my shoulder, I found myself.”’

I hope you find yourself, too.

DEAR AMY » My wife of 10 years hides hard liquor around the house.

I can tell when she drinks — her eyes are dilated and she is unstable when she walks.

I don’t know why she is doing this; I thought our marriage was good, but now I am wondering.

I have seen her drive away in that condition and have tried to stop her, but she denies drinking and we end up arguing about it. I haven’t told her I found her stash. What should I do? — Worried Husband

DEAR WORRIED » Alcoholism is a disease. It is not a referendum on your marriage. Obviously, your wife’s drinking and secret stashes of alcohol are having a big impact on your marriage, but your relationship itself is not the cause.

You should confront your wife, calmly and lovingly, and let her know that you are aware of her drinking. Tell her you are worried about her, and ask her to get help.

If you are aware that she is driving drunk, you should call the police to report it.

You have some decisions to make regarding how you will cope with this, but you can’t control whether she will drink. An Al-anon support group could help you. Check Alanon.org for a local meeting.

DEAR AMY » “Sisterly Love” reports that an inherited ring threatens to ruin her relationship with her sister.

My sisters and I let this happen in our family after our father died. We fought about stuff, and it tore our family apart.

It all seems so stupid, now.

— Regretful

DEAR REGRETFUL » “Stuff” sometimes carries symbolic weight, and so people who fight over stuff are often fighting about something else altogether. I hope it is not too late for you to work on repairing your own relationships.