Grandparents pour on the pressure for a visit

DEAR AMY » About a year ago, my maternal grandparents sold their home and moved across the country to spend their retirement in a nicer town. Now, they are pressuring my husband and me to fly out and stay with them for a week. They tell me, “Everyone else has come,” or “We feel like you don’t really love us.”

The problem is time and money. My husband and I live on a very tight budget. While visiting them used to be a drive up the street, it would now require plane tickets, time off work, gas money to get to an airport and hiring someone to care for our dog while we’re away. I told my grandparents this, and they offered to pay for our plane tickets. That is generous of them, but it’s only a small part of the problem. My husband only gets paid when he works. If he takes off a week, we would not make enough to pay rent. I have told my grandparents this also, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Their constant pressure is stressing me out, on top of an already stressful job. I can’t make time and money appear where this is none. My grandparents have the right to move away if they want, but they didn’t seem to think of the implications of being farther away from loved ones.

They have no family where they live now, and don’t know anyone, which to me is why they seem desperate for constant visitors. My mother has only been able to travel and see her parents once (with the help of a friend paying part of the way), and most likely won’t be able to again. How can I tell them that the rest of

us just don’t have the means to pick up and fly away?

— Frustrated Granddaughter DEAR FRUSTRATED

» Can you make this trip solo (if your grandparents pay your way)? If not, then you simply cannot do it. That’s nonnegotiable. It is not fair for your grandparents to try to emotionally manipulate you into visiting. All you need to do is to say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t come. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, but it does mean that I can’t visit you. I’m going to have to love you from a distance for now.”

They seem able to afford to make the trip, and so you should encourage them to come back to their hometown. A visit might make them feel loved, and shore them up as they continue to adjust to their new lives.

DEAR AMY » There is a fellow in my yoga class who wears very strong cologne or aftershave.

This morning, while walking across the parking lot to class, the scent was so strong as to be overwhelming.

I waved my hand and asked that perhaps he could ease up a bit.

His wife was surprised, because she doesn’t notice it — probably from smelling it all the time — and my husband was shocked that I brought it up.

I would usually not be so forthcoming, but week after week we are sharing an enclosed space, and I think I have the right to breathe clean air in class.

Amy, what is a person to do in this situation? Was I wrong to say anything? — Perturbed Yogi

DEAR PERTURBED » You weren’t wrong to say anything about this overpowering scent, but the way you chose to speak up — waving your hand, and in a parking lot in front of both spouses (and possibly others) — seems unnecessarily rude.

In my (limited) experience taking yoga classes, the instructor gently controls the atmosphere in the room. A word to the instructor might have been more appropriate, because she or he could have spoken to the man privately, while also reminding the entire class (publicly) that strong scents affect all participants.

DEAR AMY » I found your sappy answer to “Maybe Auntie” to be typically shallow and judgmental. It’s easy for you to insist that this woman should love a baby possibly not related to her, but why should she?

I think many readers feel like I do, that there is no reason to “love” a child who isn’t even related, and who she might not even have a relationship with.

— Disappointed DEAR DISAPPOINTED » The point I was trying to make in my sappy answer to “Maybe Auntie” is that any of us can make a choice to try to love another person. There is simply no downside to this.

DEAR AMY » After a traumatic divorce, my now 35-year-old stepson began drinking and using drugs.

While living with us, he stole money from me, and even from his toddler’s piggy bank.

He stole my car. His outbursts necessitated he be removed by the police multiple times.

While arguing with his supervisor, he punched and broke the man’s jaw.

We spent thousands of dollars on fees to multiple attorneys.

Our attorney got him a suspended sentence and probation.

Although my wife and I frequently warned him, he failed a drug test and his seven-year sentence was re-imposed.

My wife and I almost got divorced and saw a counselor after she demanded we pay another $3,500 for an appeal.

In prison, he has found Jesus, which delights my wife.

He is about to get out, and she wants him to temporarily live with us.

He must register as a felon with the police.

I do not agree to his return to our home. I have substantial coin and currency, and am a federally licensed gun collector.

I do not think having a convicted felon living with us and chancing a relapse is a good idea. What should I do?

— Worried

DEAR WORRIED » Your stepson should not return to, quite literally, the scene of his crimes. Your household is probably not the healthiest environment for him, because he would be surrounded by triggers associated with his drinking, drug use and violent outbursts.

He would also be cohabiting with an enabling mother and seething stepfather, and this is a combustible situation for all.

You should research halfway houses in the area to see if your stepson is eligible to be released into that environment. Local churches sometimes sponsor housing for men newly released from prison; if your stepson has found Christian faith while incarcerated, this might be a good environment for him.

You and your wife should support his efforts to recover and re-enter society. As a felon, his employment options will be limited, and this is an area where you might be able to help.

DEAR AMY » I live in a duplex in Denver. The other half of the duplex is an extremely busy, illegal, designated shortterm rental, housing large groups of millennials hosting bachelor/bachelorette parties.

This is one of about 20 properties owned by a group of out-of-state investors. A primary rule of short-term rental in our city is that it be someone’s “primary residence.”

The way these people get around it is they falsify having a resident. No one has ever lived there, and no one ever will. I want a real neighbor, not a revolving door of strangers who slam the gate at all hours and leave cigarette butts and beer cans in my flower boxes.

What should I do? This is not what I had in mind when I purchased my place (a few months before they bought theirs). — Upset Owner

DEAR OWNER » You might have to be noisy in order to protect the peace and quiet of your neighborhood.

Obtain a copy of the license (every STR must have one). Document everything you see, and contact your city’s Business Licensing Center to report violations (there is an online form). Contact your local city board member with a detailed account. Show up at a board meeting and use the public comments section to call out these fraudulent owners by name. Call 3-1-1 to report trash violations. Write a letter to the editor of your newspaper.

Amy Dickinson