Pregnancy news is tinged with loss

DEAR AMY » My husband and I just found out that I am pregnant. We weren’t planning this, but now that we’re over the shock we are very happy. This will be the first grandchild for both of our families, and we know our parents are going to be thrilled.

However, I’m nervous about telling my husband’s brother and his wife. They have been trying to have a child for more than five years. They’ve suffered through fertility testing and IVF, as well as a late-term miscarriage. It’s been incredibly painful for them and for my husband’s whole family. Their last round of IVF ended only a few months ago, without success.

I know that they will be happy for us, because they are incredibly kind and loving people. But I also know that this will bring up a lot of difficult feelings for them.

How can we be sensitive to them in announcing and talking about our pregnancy?

— Worried DEAR WORRIED » You are already sensitive to your in-laws’ situation and are kindly concerned about them. But if you deliver hugs and sympathy sobs along with your joyful news, this couple will feel condescended to and exposed. I think this news is best not delivered in person, where the couple might also feel blindsided and put on the spot.

You and your husband should email or call this couple to tell them, “We’re letting you know before telling other family members that we are pregnant. We are both aware of what you have been through to try to build your family, and our news is tempered by our wish that you weren’t going through this. We know you want the best for us, but we also want you to know that we completely understand if you want to have some space or are not inclined to celebrate.”

There is no need to be hush-hush around them. Don’t apologize for your own good luck. But let them off the hook regarding baby showers and any other baby-related hoopla. They might want to participate, or they might want to keep some distance (possibly a little of both). No matter what, you should be understanding and patient.

DEAR AMY » I am a widow of three years, after 40 years of marriage. I have no children.

During my first year of widowhood, my friends and family checked on me often and invited me places.

Those invitations started to stop, so I asked to go places with them. Sometimes they would say yes.

I have many interests and participate in them on my own. But I would like these friends and family to ask me to do things with them.

What I especially dislike is the posting of their activities on social media. I realize that I am now an “odd” person.

I also realize that everyone has their own lives. Should I just learn to live with this?

— Lonely

DEAR LONELY » This is your new-normal, and to a certain extent, you will have to adjust both to the feeling of exclusion, and to the need to build other newer relationships. If you have asked to be included and are being rebuffed or overlooked, it might be best for you to “hide” social media postings that trigger your loneliness.

It can be very challenging to develop friendships later in life, but joining groups and/or volunteering where you are likely to meet peers will help. Making even one new and close friend will help to mitigate your loneliness.

I recently became aware of the term “elder orphan,” which describes someone in your circumstance. While I don’t particularly love this term, this phenomenon has been recognized because it is ever-more-common, and social media is helping people to connect. Consider joining the “Elder Orphans” Facebook group (facebook.com/ groups/elderorphans) to meet others who share this status and to communicate about ways to support one another.

DEAR AMY » What can be done about my boyfriend’s overly religious mother, who repeatedly invites us to attend her church? She has invited us ever since we started dating, but now the pressure is really on.

Her very small congregation (15 to 25 people) is actively looking to expand.

The pastor has tasked every church member with contacting family, friends and neighbors as a way to garner new congregants. Now we both receive phone calls and mailers from her about church events, tent revivals, etc.

I am about ready to stop taking her phone

calls. Both of us have said that we’re not interested numerous times. We are both agnostic, and I am from a nonreligious family. Any thoughts? — No Church for Me

DEAR NO CHURCH » I have a suggestion for you: never walk into a used car lot alone, because you are unwittingly ripe for the plucking.

You should say to her, one time: “It worries me that you keep asking me to attend your church. I respect that you are religious and love your church. But I’m not a Christian. I don’t go to church, so I hope you’ll stop asking.”

Mailers can be recycled. Phone calls can be dodged. DEAR AMY » I’m very close with my immediate family. In fact, I set my brother up with his fiancee, an old friend of mine I’d known for years.

I’m over-the-moon excited for their wedding, but my happiness was dampened when it was revealed that I was the only member of the groom’s family with no involvement in the wedding whatsoever. I am not in either bridal party (the other two siblings are), and I haven’t been asked to do so much as a reading at their ceremony. There were no tensions or arguments that could have brought us to this point, in fact, we were planning a vacation together before the wedding so they could take some much-needed relaxation on my dime.

It has recently come to light that every member of the bridal party is much different than me in appearance. Specifically, I would have been the stereotypical “fat bridesmaid.” I used to be extremely fit, but after an unfortunate injury and resulting surgeries, I’ve packed on a considerable amount of weight. I’ve been perfectly healthy since and am working to get back to a healthy weight.

Everyone else in the bridal parties fits a very neat and tidy uniform aesthetic, whereas I would be the only black sheep in what would have been an ill-fitting bridesmaid’s gown.

Should I bring this up to my brother or future sister-in-law, who until recently I was very close with? We used to talk often, but ever since I was excluded from the wedding festivities, it’s been radio silence.

— Reluctant Wedding Guest

DEAR RELUCTANT » Your brother and his fiancée have the right to include — and exclude — anyone from their wedding ceremony. You in turn have the right to react to it, and I think you should.

I agree with your suspicion that you are being excluded because of your size.

This sort of madness is what separates the brides from the Bridezillas.

Here is a polite (albeit passive) way of calling them on it: “Hi, this is embarrassing to bring up, but I can’t help but notice that I am the only family member not to have any role in your wedding ceremony. I’m not asking for a specific role, but I’m worried that I might have done something to offend or upset you. I introduced you two, and I’m very happy about your future. I hope you both feel you can be honest with me.”

No drunken retaliation toasts, please.

Amy Dickinson