Ex-boyfriend should become ex-tenant

DEAR AMY » About six months ago my boyfriend, “Gabe” and I broke up after I found out he had been meeting up with other women without telling me. However, we had recently renewed our leasing agreement, so I agreed to move in with my brother and let Gabe stay at the apartment until the lease expired. Because of this, we have been in constant contact since the split. We are mainly amicable. I made it clear to him that I would be willing to work on our relationship, if he was too.

Fast-forward to now. I just found out that Gabe has had a new girlfriend for the last two months. She’s been living in our old place with him, and he’s been lying about it the whole time. I will sometimes assist him with bills and rent if he doesn’t have enough, so this was infuriating.

Now he tells me that he isn’t really into her and he only allows her to stay there still so she can help with the bills. He kisses me every time he sees me, tells me he loves me and misses me, etc.

I’m getting mixed signals, and I’m stuck at that place where I don’t know if I should wait to see how it pans out, or if I should move on. Is he just keeping me around in case things don’t work out with her? Should I stay or should I go?

Unsure

DEAR UNSURE » You sound like a fairly smart person. So — what about life with “Gabe” is so confusing to you? His behavior is consistent: He hooks up with women because he feels like it and because they help him pay the bills. Then he bounces back to you because you are his backup plan.

Let’s recap: You are coleasing this apartment, but not living there. Evidently you have the resources to not only relinquish your apartment to him, but to also give him money. All Gabe has to do is to kiss you now and then, and continue to lie to you. Are you really so easy? I hope not.

But, to answer your direct question, I do NOT think you should go. HE should!

However, understanding that you likely won’t be able to get him out of this apartment, you should contact the landlord, ask for a lease modification, and make every effort to get your name off of the lease. Not being tethered to him should help you to move on, because then you won’t have any reason to be in touch.

DEAR AMY » A good friend of mine has been married for years to a jerk. She acknowledges that he is emotionally abusive and controlling, but has decided to stay with him because she recognizes that she would have a hard time on her own.

She complains endlessly about how terrible he is, but then gets upset when her friends don’t want to spend time with him. She can socialize without him, but she insists on bringing him to larger events and gets upset when some of us indicate that we’d rather not include him.

In addition to knowing how awful he treats her, he is also obnoxious. She feels like we should at least act like we are friends with him, too, because otherwise she is being punished twice (by him and by us).

I understand that it is rude not to include a spouse in social activities, especially when other spouses are invited, but I hate having to act friendly and pretend that I don’t know what an awful person he is.

Is it OK to occasionally ask her to attend events alone, even when other spouses are invited, and if not, what is the best way to navigate this? Flummoxed Friend

DEAR FLUMMOXED » If you know in advance that a behavior you’re contemplating is rude, then your choices are to either be rude with abandon — and own it — or to simply not be rude, and include this husband when others’ are also included.

Your friend already knows how you feel about her husband. Perhaps, if he offends you at a gathering, instead of communicating about him through her, you could (privately) call him out on his obnoxious behavior.

DEAR AMY » I am a foreign-born U.S. citizen from Hong Kong, a formerly British colony for more than a century.

I have lived in the U.S. for over 40 years.

It is common for people in Hong Kong to use a western name and our Chinese name together.

Occasionally strangers in the U.S. ask me if “Lily Wong” is my “real” name.

It is on my British passport, U.S. passport, global entry card, driver’s license, property deed, and so on.

I feel discriminated against because I have an Asian face and an Asian accent and they want to point out the obvious — that I am not born here.

I think corporations should include sensitivity training to educate their employees not to ask if someone’s name is a “real” name — to point out the obvious that I am not born here. — Upset Citizen

DEAR UPSET » People ask all sorts of insensitive questions, not always because they are trying to discriminate, upset you or point out your “otherness,” but because they are curious — or clueless — or a combination

of both.

I agree that corporations should include sensitivity training, so that people are sensitized to realize that what sounds like a benign question: “Is that your real name?” or, “Where are you from?” has the opposite effect from what they might intend.

Asking a person from Cleveland who has an American accent, “Where are you from” is perceived very differently than when it is asked of you. An American-born or “Americanlooking” (whatever that is) person might see this as a normal social ice-breaker. You see it as an indication that the person asking doesn’t think you belong here.

You might be wrong about that, or overly sensitive regarding these questions — but people asking them should be aware of how questions like this are perceived.

I have a Chinese daughter and other Asian family members who also report frequent comments or questions designed to highlight their otherness, such as, “What are you?” “Where are you really from?” or “Where are your real parents?”

Occasionally the people asking these questions are also Asian.

But let’s just stipulate that asking a fellow human being, “What are you?” is offensive.

One way to respond to a question you don’t feel like answering is to turn it back on the questioner. If you are asked, “Is that your real name?” You could answer, “Why are you asking?” Depending on the response, you could simply answer, “Yes, it is my real name.”

I hope you will see the movie “Crazy Rich Asians.” This runaway American hit with an all-Asian cast explores, exploits and explodes these stereotypes.

DEAR AMY » About two years ago my husband was found searching online for porn. He even went to the extent of chatting with a lady or two online.

After intense counseling for eight months, we seemed to work it all through.

We have been married for 35 years.

Just a few days ago, he was helping our son to shop for a motorcycle online.

My son informed me that while searching, he came across a website that had motorcycles, but it also had women — nearly nude — posing with them.

My husband told me that he stumbled upon this site, but got out of it immediately.

I found myself wondering if I should believe him, but then felt guilty about my own reaction. I want to trust him, but it is so hard to trust him after I’ve felt betrayed.

I have been praying about this for a while, and I’m not sure what to do. — Roller-Coaster Wife

DEAR WIFE » First of all, it is not at all surprising that your husband basically stumbled upon a website featuring both motorcycles and nearly nude women. Searching for either of these things would undoubtedly turn up both of these things.

Your husband did the absolute right thing. He disclosed this to you immediately.

You have to learn to trust him. Trust is built every single day in many different ways. If you react with anger now, you will discourage him from being honest and transparent in the future.

This is hard work. He’s done his part, and now you must do yours.

Amy Dickinson