Family coping with estrangement with avoidance

DEAR AMY » My 31-year-old son is gay. His father and I love him unconditionally.

My mother is in her 80s, and our relationship has been challenging, but I have made an effort in recent years to avoid conflict with her. I told her about my son’s sexuality many years ago; since then we’ve avoided the topic.

My son was visiting us about a year ago, and we invited my mother over for dinner. She began to rant about gay pride events in our city drawing an unseemly, lawless crowd. My son respectfully debated her points. She instantly escalated the argument, and began to say that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to be open about their sexuality, and they deserved any bad things that happen to them by being out.

My son quietly sat there listening to this, but was clearly angry.

My husband became agitated, and asked her to change the topic. I agreed and told her that she was being disrespectful. She stubbornly refused to change the subject, so my husband drove her home and we didn’t finish dinner.

After she left, my son said he was “done” with her, and didn’t want to see her ever again. This broke my heart.

My son won’t consider making amends with his grandmother, and he does not attend family events where she is present. I have tried several times to get my mother to apologize to him, and she says she has nothing to apologize for, and she’s entitled to her opinions.

It feels like we will never resolve this, and I worry about my mother passing away with this conflict between them. Should I leave it alone? How can I go about getting the two of them in the same room again? — Devastated

DEAR DEVASTATED » Your mother is certainly entitled to her opinions, and she seems equally comfortable with the consequence of expressing them. If she wanted things to be different with her grandson, she could convey this to you (or him), and you could then worry about how to get the two of them in a room together.

Same with your son. If he wanted things to be different, he could make an effort. And yet, why should he be forced or feel compelled to “make amends”? He has done nothing wrong — he is merely practicing your family specialty: avoidance.

As it is, you have tolerated your mother’s hatred and disrespect, and so now you are forced to also tolerate the discomfort this estrangement causes you.

You love both parties unconditionally. This is laudable. It seems that you will have to continue to love them each separately.

DEAR AMY » I broke up with my college boyfriend because there were so many things wrong with our relationship. There are various power struggles deep within the “power couple” facade.

My ex-boyfriend always made our personal and professional life a competition. We always wanted to “one-up” each other.

When I received an unbelievable job offer starting after graduation, he was upset that I had obtained his dream job.

I’m worried that we’ll get back together just to keep up appearances. It has happened before.

I’m scared that I’m not strong enough for the mess that will happen during the school year. We are co-directors at our elite school organization, co-executives in a professional organization and classmates. What should I do? — Worried Woman

DEAR WORRIED » Over the course of your professional life, you will face other situations like this — from awkwardness with colleagues who have been passed over for promotions, to people who might attempt to undermine your success.

The way to exercise real power (versus the “power façade”) is to always act politely and appropriately in your public and professional life, refusing to engage in the adolescent drama of gossip or backstabbing.

If you get back together with someone who isn’t good for you, just for the sake of appearances, then you’ll only undermine your own success, saving your ex the trouble.

DEAR AMY » We have new neighbors. Our 5-year-old twin daughters and the neighbors’ older (of two) daughters are best friends from school.

We really like them, but lately they seem to be making themselves too comfortable in our home.

They will drop by while we are having dinner, sometimes walking right into our house, and when their daughter looks at the dinner my girls are eating, she will naturally say that she wants some.

Then the friend will start eating off of their plates, while the parents stand there!

Another time they came over and when I took my girls to use the bathroom, I came back to find that the three pieces of chicken I had left on my counter on a covered plate were being eaten by the mother and her two girls — with no apology, and certainly no asking beforehand!

The father opens our cupboard to help himself to whatever snacks he or his kids want. When we are at

their house, their pantry is off-limits.

Amy, we aren’t strapped for money and while we don’t mind sharing, we don’t like this behavior.

We don’t think they have issues with money either, it just seems to be them looking to take advantage.

We have tried making humor-based comments that this isn’t acceptable, hoping the parents would catch the hint — to no avail.

We have installed a camera doorbell so we can preemptively stop them from walking in at dinnertime.

Do we need to install locks on our pantry? What do we say to set boundaries without compromising this friendship?

— At a Loss

DEAR AT A LOSS » When I was a kid, my mother came down the stairs one morning to find a neighbor, uninvited, drinking coffee at the kitchen table. This person had just entered the house and was helping themselves.

I’m not certain how my mother reacted — but she made sure it was a onetime occurrence.

In your case, merely reacting naturally might have delivered the message you are struggling with now.

For instance, you are surprised by your neighbors scarfing your chicken. You say, “Oh no — are you really eating the chicken I left on the counter? That was for our dinner tomorrow!”

At this point, you will have to say (to the parents), “I’ve tried hinting about it and joking about it, but now I’ll just have to tell you: I really don’t like it when you guys help yourselves to our food without asking. I would never do that at your house, and I’m teaching the girls to respect these boundaries, too.”

Some people don’t mind having an “open door” — where people sashay in. You do mind it (I do, too), and so you will have to be clear about it.

DEAR AMY » Our daughter is 25 years old and lives at home. She rarely speaks to her father or me, and stays in her room whenever she is home.

She’ll eat dinner without dialogue, staying glued to her phone, watching videos or texting her friends in front of me.

We’ve offered $1,500/ month toward an apartment to give her SOME incentive.

She doesn’t work. She has fibromyalgia and claims she can’t work, but has taken six vacations in six months, and seems to have energy for that.

We feel she’s using us and is lazy, but my husband said we’ll not see her again if we push her to move out.

I now experience anxiety over this, and my husband doesn’t understand. — At My Wits End

DEAR WITS END » Your husband worries that you won’t see your daughter if she moves out, but according to you, she lives with you and you still don’t see her.

You have created and tolerated this lifestyle; please don’t blame your daughter now for behaving as you have taught her to behave.

You and your husband need professional guidance to sort out your role in your daughter’s life. She won’t lead a healthy lifestyle until she receives the right balance of incentive/ reward.

I don’t think throwing money at her to move out provides any incentive to behave differently, but giving her a firm deadline to move out without your money might.

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