Chronic lateness is chronically annoying

DEAR AMY » We have an ongoing problem occurring in our family. I have one daughter-in-law who is chronically late for everything. If we are supposed to be somewhere at two, that is when she starts getting ready.

Her mother is also always late, so I know it is a learned problem.

My son has discussed this with her, but nothing has changed. Without being an interfering motherin-law, I would like to address this with love. Do you have any helpful suggestions for me? — Prompt In-Law

DEAR PROMPT » In my (very prompt) family, we dealt with one chronically late member by simply starting things on time, and tolerating the late family member, who basically seemed to run on a different time zone. When this family member hosted events, we turned up when she asked us to.

I believe that tolerating this while not letting it interfere too much with your own plans (and happiness) is the way to respond to this — with love. So is simply telling the truth: “Dear, you always seem to be running late. This can be hard on the rest of us. Will you try harder to be prompt for family events?”

Always take separate transportation, and accept that in this regard, she is unreliable.

I find chronic lateness disrespectful, but I also realize that it doesn’t seem to be personally directed.

I’m sure readers will weigh in with ideas for how to re-train someone who is always late.

DEAR AMY » What do you think about a “meal train” that asks for meal delivery to someone who recently underwent a surgery (or had a baby)?

The “someone” in this case is a woman whose child goes to the same afterschool activity as my son. I sometimes chatted with her, but do not know her well. Her friend set up a meal train for her family during the two weeks she is recovering from surgery. The signup sheet is circulated in our afterschool activity group. Each meal is supposed to cover all four family members. She has a husband and two teenage children, and they are well-off.

We live in a big city where one can easily get takeout food and food delivery, so it would not be difficult for them to order their favorite food from favorite places.

I can understand if this woman indicates what she likes to eat/snack on, and friends/social groups bring a box of something for her to consume during her recovery. But a whole meal for a family of four is way too much to ask in terms of the time and work involved.

I have to admit that cooking is not my favorite activity, but I don’t want to simply ignore the signup sheet. What’s your take on this? — Lost in the Kitchen

DEAR LOST » When a person is indisposed, grieving, ill or has just had a baby, others often ask, “How can I help?” Cooking and delivering dinner for a family is one great way to help. Even if the family has the means and wherewithal to have food delivered, cooking and delivering a dinner from your own kitchen is a kindness.

If you want to contribute in some way without cooking, you might send a basket of teas or coffees, and a package of sweets to go with them. However, you should not feel pressured to do this. You don’t have to board this particular “train,” but you shouldn’t feel put-upon by others’ efforts.

DEAR AMY » My 29-yearold stepdaughter, “Jamie,” is getting married next year to a man she has lived with for three years.

They are both professionals with good-paying jobs. They own a home.

Some time ago, Jamie emailed my husband (her dad) asking how much he could contribute to the wedding.

She did not tell us where she wanted to get married, or the cost. We are both retired with a limited income, and my husband and I agreed on an amount we could afford. When we told Jamie what we could give her, she didn’t say a word. However, we discovered later that she had complained to her mother (my husband’s ex), who then contacted my husband to berate him because Jamie’s chosen wedding venue is extremely expensive.

We were hurt and confused by Jamie’s behavior, as she had not talked to us first about a wedding budget, or determined what each of us could contribute before she decided on a very costly wedding. We offered to give her more money, although it is going to be a strain on our own finances. Since then, we have not heard from her for the past several months, and she has completely left us out of her wedding planning activities. We expect that the only time we’ll hear from

her is when she wants a check. The whole thing is rubbing me the wrong way. How do you suggest we handle this? — Dismayed Step-Mom

DEAR DISMAYED » What you should NOT do is to injure yourselves financially to pay for someone else’s dream wedding. Marrying couples should host weddings they can afford, and should be responsible for financing their own weddings. One way to do this is by gathering pledges from their parents, and there is nothing wrong with that. At this point, you have agreed to an amount, you felt guilted into giving more, and that should be the end of it.

If “Jamie” wanted to express her gratitude, or wanted even more money from you, she could attempt to bleed you further by including you in the planning — thus making you an accomplice of sorts in her event. By accepting your money, she is enlisting you as co-hosts, and you should be acknowledged as such (don’t hold your breath).

At this point she is playing her divorced parents off of each other. Her father should express his disappointment in her entitled behavior. I hope you and your husband don’t succumb to further financial pressure.

DEAR AMY » My son, who I’ve always felt very close to, has started to call me by my first name. I’m 67 and he’s 40. I’ve always tried to be there for him. I have loved being his mom.

He loves to tease me, so I didn’t say anything about it for a while, because I knew he would run with it, but I figured he wasn’t going to stop so I asked him to please stop calling me by my first name

I told him it hurt me and that I felt it was disrespectful.

Well, he still does it and mostly smiles when he does it.

I don’t know what to do anymore. After I’m around him, I usually end up having a good cry.

Is this the new thing? My friends tell me their children don’t call them by their first name. They say they wouldn’t like it either. What should I do? — Call Me Mom

DEAR MOM » Your son sounds like a mean tease. Taunting your mother and then persisting even after she has asked you to stop is quite an unattractive quality in a 40-yearold man.

You will have to carefully examine your feelings to decide how tolerable this is, longer term, but I suggest that the next time you feel like crying about this teasing, you should not save your tears for your private time. Don’t protect your son from your emotions. Go ahead and cry, or — the next time this happens, if you’re feeling more anger than sadness, then get your coat and leave his presence.

DEAR AMY » I loved your advice to “Invisible Wife” to make a video to get her husband’s attention when he was paying attention to his technology instead of her.

It would have been easy for her to sit around and sulk. I hope she takes your creative advice.

— Impressed

DEAR IMPRESSED » Thank you! Sometimes, you have to make a “Hail Mary” pass in order to mix things up and make your point.