DNA testing reveals mystery half-sibling

DEAR AMY » I was curious about my DNA history, so I purchased a kit from one of the major testers.

The results came back, indicating that I have a halfsibling.

This half-sibling then contacted me and said he never knew his dad because his mom was artificially inseminated from an anonymous sperm donation.

I asked my parents if it was possible for me to have a half-sibling and they both said no. I know these tests are not perfect, so I agreed to do another test with a different company. The results just came back and sure enough it also concludes that I have a half-sibling.

Amy, I had already asked my parents about it once and they both said it couldn’t be true. I’m not sure how to inquire again.

Regardless of the truth, I can honestly say it isn’t going to change my view of my parents (I love them dearly). I’m mostly just curious now and feel a bit obligated to help my potential half-sibling learn about his family (if it is true we are related).

Your thoughts about this?

— Confused Brother DEAR CONFUSED » Just today I communicated with a friend who has recently learned that he has a biological son through sperm donation he had made when he was in college, over 40 years ago. He had forgotten about the donation until he was contacted. Yes, this caused some awkwardness within the family, but everyone has adjusted.

You should speak with your father privately. Tell him that two tests have confirmed this DNA connection, and that you believe the results. Assure him that you love him, and that you know he’s done nothing wrong. In fact, this donation enabled a stranger to start a family. Offer to help in communicating with your mother, if he wants.

If your father continues to deny this paternity, there is nothing you can do about it. As an anonymous donor, he has the right to try to remain that way. Don’t push.

Yes, if you want to, you should contact this halfsibling and offer to share family photos and some basic health information with him.

You will also have to decide to what extent you want to be involved with your half-sibling.

It will help to think of this experience as a process you’ll encounter in stages. You will all make a series of choices which will lead you to encounter unknown challenges. With advanced DNA testing, this sort of situation is becoming much more common. Resolve to handle it with integrity.

DEAR AMY » My 27-yearold son has been with his girlfriend for about 18 months, and while she is always lovely toward me, she very often speaks to my son in a belittling, demeaning and sometimes nasty manner.

I’ve noticed this — and I’ve recently become aware that several members of my immediate and extended family have also noticed it.

My son is very laidback and sweet, but not very assertive. Although I dislike the word, he’s being “henpecked!”

Should I talk to him about this? And, if you think I should address this, what do you think I should say?

— Concerned Mother DEAR CONCERNED » Yes, let us retire the word “henpecked,” and replace it with “bullied.”

This is tricky. You don’t want to alienate your son and force him toward the person who is mistreating him.

You should speak with your son. Tell him, “While ‘Glenda’ is always very nice to me, I notice that she frequently talks to you in a way that I think is demeaning. This really worries me. You are my son. You are a wonderful person, and you are worthy of respect by everyone in your life, but especially your partner. I want you to know that we are always in your corner, no matter what. I just want you to remember that when you choose a lifepartner, it’s important to be with someone who respects you all the time, even when she disagrees with you.”

If you witness this behavior, you should react naturally to it in the moment: “Whoa. Hey, Glenda, that was uncalled for.”

DEAR AMY » “Holiday Hungry” reported being completely grossed-out by meals at his in-laws’ house because their cat seems to have pre-tested all of the holiday food.

Your suggestions were good, but you neglected the most obvious one: Hungry should offer to take the whole family out for their Thanksgiving dinner.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » Expensive, but probably worth it. Thank you.