Twin obsession interferes with dating relationship

DEAR AMY » I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years.

The first year of our relationship, his twin sister was living in another country. She came back to live in this country last year.

Upon her return, I very quickly discovered that they are extremely affectionate and obsessed with each other.

She acts like his girlfriend or mom. She controls him.

When he does something to upset her, like decline to go out for dinner, she guilts him relentlessly and he feels awful.

In general, I find their relationship creepy, annoying and immature.

Can I say something, or is it not my place?

And what would I even say? Am I being mean, or is this a reasonable thing to be concerned about?

— Unsure

DEAR UNSURE » If your boyfriend is actually obsessed with his sister, then you’re toast.

However, if she were truly controlling him, she wouldn’t have to “guilt” him, because he would always do what she wanted him to do.

As it is, it seems that he is saying “no” to his sister at least some of the time. However, he doesn’t seem comfortable (yet) with the boundaries he is trying to establish. He should see her behavior when she doesn’t get what she wants as an indication that at least part of their close relationship has a toxic tinge.

Is he working toward maintaining some healthier distance from his clingy twin? If so, you should talk to him about his efforts and ask if there are ways you can support him.

If you truly see this as a creepy attraction between siblings, you might as well say so, but keep in mind that she came first in his life and consciousness, and likely always will. A less reactive way to frame this might be: “I’m really struggling with your close relationship with your sister, and I feel it’s creating some serious boundary issues. Can we talk about this?”

If his sister has successfully designated you as her rival for her brother’s attention and affection, you should understand that you will not prevail. Any sibling relationship is powerful; the twin connection is in a category all its own.

DEAR AMY » I love my boyfriend of four years very much. We are both in our 20s.

We’ve been through a lot and always have fun when we’re together.

However, I’ve been feeling that I need more out of this relationship. I need it to move to the next step. I want us to move in together, but my boyfriend has made it clear that he’s not ready for that.

A week ago, I met a different man out at a bar and haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. We exchanged numbers, but I stopped answering his texts because I felt guilty, and didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend.

I want to focus on my relationship with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to miss out on other opportunities with other men.

I’m worried I might be with the wrong person, but breaking up would be too painful for me. So, Amy, how do I know I’m with the right person? — Hopeless Romantic

DEAR HOPELESS » After four years, you and your guy should more or less be headed ... somewhere. Together.

Two signs that you are on different paths are: Your boyfriend is not ready to cohabit. You are collecting other guys’ phone numbers at the corner bar.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these things. They are just indicators that you two are not quite ready for primetime.

If you are too chicken to break up with your boyfriend, then by all means, continue alternating between pressuring him and fantasizing about being with other people.

You could handle this by simply being honest (without saying you want to break up): “I’m frustrated that our relationship is not progressing. I’m thinking about seeing other people.” You need to talk about it and yes, possibly face the pain and uncertainty of what might happen next.

DEAR AMY » You’ve been fielding entertaining responses from readers regarding chronic lateness. But what about people who are always early? I had a guest show up at my house for dinner 30 minutes early. My husband was still in the shower!

— No to Fledglings DEAR NO » I’m a chronic early bird and have spent many moments circling the neighborhood in my car, rather than arrive too early.

I believe that polite “on time” arrival equals 10 to 15 minutes after the stated start time.

DEAR AMY » I’m a woman in my 30s, and happily single. I live in my own apartment with my dog. I have a great career, a great family and

wonderful friends. I’m on the younger side in my family, so by the time my milestones hit (turning 21 and 30, college graduations, etc.) they were not big “new” events.

While I would like to get married and possibly have children someday, that may just not be in the cards. All that being said, I find myself constantly celebrating members of my family and spending money on weddings and children’s birthday gifts, but when it is something that is important to me, it gets overlooked or downplayed. I’m starting to become resentful.

I have invited members of my family well in advance to personal events important to me (getting re-baptized, for instance) and they all said they’d attend, but as it got closer they backed out for things like brunch with the grandkids — or they just don’t show up. It’s like they don’t take things having to do with me seriously.

When do singles get celebrated and supported for life choices outside of weddings and procreating?

If I spend time, energy and money on their (and their kids’) life events, when will they reciprocate? If I never get married or have children, am I just out of luck? Don’t these life celebrations just seem like they’re stacked against single, childless people?

I’m still here, and I have feelings, too!

— Still Here

DEAR HERE » I completely agree with you that more “traditional” life-celebrations such as showers, weddings and birth celebrations leave out singletons. That does not explain your own family’s lack of attention toward your graduation and baptism, however. I wonder if you have a family member (a parent, perhaps), who could advocate for you, in order for you to receive the attention you deserve. If your own parents are the root of this problem, then you should deal with them and assertively make your expectations clear — and express your disappointment with clarity when they let you down.

I like the idea of singletons finding big and celebratory ways to mark important life events — such as landmark birthdays, starting a new job or moving to a new home. Perhaps you have a group of friends who can support you in throwing a “singleton shower,” where you send out “save the date” cards and come together in a spirit of celebration to play games, trade stories and in general celebrate your own lives and life choices.

I’ll share ideas from fellow readers.

DEAR AMY » Great job suggesting that “Anti-Pot Luck Guy” should be rude to people who invite him to a potluck! I couldn’t believe that you would advise someone to be so rude responding to an invitation.

— Upset

DEAR UPSET » I said that if this man wanted to ensure that he would never be invited to another potluck, he should grouchily express his frank loathing of them. I also cautioned that this response would cost him some (possibly valuable) friendships.

Amy Dickinson