The Morning Journal (Lorain, OH)
Family member is harsh toward autistic child
DEAR AMY >> My 22-year-old niece told my teenage daughter to “shut up” during our Thanksgiving meal.
The problem is, my daughter has severe autism. She makes odd and loud noises. She rocks. She has a hard time sitting still.
This is not the first time that my niece has been unkind and harsh to my daughter. And even though my daughter may seem like she’s in her own world, I promise you, she’s a smart cookie and I am certain that the words and ugly looks directed at her have an impact.
My husband says we should just stop going to family functions to spare our daughter and ourselves from the stress.
I’ve told my niece point blank not to talk to my daughter like that, but it keeps happening.
I guess she’s just young and ignorant, but I know lots of amazing young adults who would never speak that way to anyone, much less someone with a different ability. If she were a para professional at school and did this, she’d be fired.
It is hard enough dealing with strangers who don’t “get” my daughter, and can be rude and unfriendly, so it’s doubly hard when it’s family.
My sister won’t do anything about it. My husband and I have strategies to help our daughter calm down, but they don’t always work, and sometimes she just needs to express herself as she does. And it’s almost always a joyful and happy expression. I actually enjoy her sounds. The kind people in our lives enjoy them, too!
Anyway, I am at a loss. Please help!
— Concerned Mom DEAR CONCERNED >> I agree that your niece’s behavior is unacceptable. But please don’t stop attending family events. Connecting with family members who understand and love your daughter, just as she is, is good for all of you.
You should reach out to your niece and tell her, “Your cousin has autism. The noises she makes are part of the way she communicates. She cannot always control her behavior. You don’t have autism; you can control yours. I understand that being around her seems to make you very uncomfortable, but your behavior toward her is unacceptable.” If there is a book or resource describing autism that you can share with your niece — education might help her to modulate her own behavior.
DEAR AMY >> Earlier this year I developed lymphedema in my right arm. It is the direct result of having had lymph nodes removed during a mastectomy.
I now wear both a compression sleeve and a fingerless glove to manage the swelling.
My problem is when complete strangers ask what happened.
I usually respond with, “It’s a long story.” Yesterday I responded in this fashion and the person asked: “Is there a short version?” This was in a very public place. I simply said “No”, and continued on my way.
I have no desire to provide an answer to this question.
It’s hard enough to have to wear these garments (permanently) and sometimes they trigger very negative memories about my breast cancer experience.
Frankly, on some days, I feel snarky, and want to ask people in return, “Why do you need to know?”
What other phrases can you come up with that are both socially acceptable and effective in stopping further questions?
— Invaded
DEAR INVADED >> I’m genuinely sorry that you have to deal with this. These inquiries remind you of a painful experience. You have the right to navigate through the world on your own terms. Unfortunately, some people simply don’t respect this.
I assume that you understand that some people might have a specific reason for asking. For instance, they might have had a similar experience. But yes, you have the right not to discuss what is going on with your body.
A slight revision to your “Why do you need to know?” reply is, “Why do you ask?” But this response invites an answer and further conversation.
You could also respond simply, “I had cancer,” or, “I understand you’re curious, but I don’t want to talk about it.”
DEAR AMY >> I identified with the letter from “Confused.” Her longtime boyfriend’s parents displayed large pictures all over their house of the boyfriend and his ex-wife.
My mother-in-law did this, and it made us so uncomfortable! Finally my husband had a private talk with her and she removed all but one of these photos. We were fine with this.
— In the Picture
DEAR IN >> These parents might also be waiting for their son to marry his girlfriend.
DEAR AMY >> A month ago, my wife of five years told me she was going through a depression and was questioning our relationship. To be fair, I was as well.
We haven’t made love in six months. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is. I