Crashing Christmas not so jolly for grandparents

DEAR AMY » My husband and I live five hours away from our first grandchild. We see him several times a year and have a good relationship with our son and his wife.

Our daughter-in-law’s parents have a lovely home five minutes from the young couple’s apartment.

Last Christmas we basically “crashed” her parents’ Christmas mid-day dinner — our son had given this his OK, but we now realize that was wrong.

Our son even had it out with his mother-inlaw last year over this. She responded, “Christmas morning is just for family.” In retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have made the trip at all, but it was the baby’s first Christmas.

So, it is obvious that these people don’t think of us as “family,” and her parents have failed to invite us to their home — for any length of time — this Christmas when we visit. We always thought we got along just fine with them; we’re generous with what we bring and we always offer to help.

We’re not sure what, if anything, we’re doing wrong. Are we wrong in thinking the other motherin-law is just rude and unmannered?

We couldn’t imagine shutting out the other grandparents, especially if they had travelled so far.

— Unmerry Christmas DEAR UNMERRY » You have already admitted that “crashing” this other couple’s home on Christmas morning was a mistake and that you regretted doing it. Have you admitted this to these in-laws and apologized, in addition to thanking them for hosting you on that morning?

It seems as if you are leaving the communication here to your son, and ... he’s not doing a good job.

When your son invited you to “crash” his inlaw’s Christmas morning meal, you could have contacted the in-laws yourselves to double check: “Danny has invited us to join you at your home on Christmas morning. Are you sure it’s OK if we swing by? Can we bring some homemade sweet rolls?”

Yes, of course your son’s in-laws should have welcomed you with open arms, even if they didn’t expect you. But they are no more perfect or well-mannered than you are!

As it is, their current “only family” dictate is going to be hardest on their own daughter, who will no doubt now be torn and exhausted, racing between her own rigid and unwelcoming parents and her gate-crashing in-laws on Christmas day.

You should invite these other parents out for a coffee, a drink or a meal during your visit this year. Just the four of you. Your generosity, kindness and good manners might inspire them to behave differently.

DEAR AMY » I’m a man.

Here’s a scenario: I’m going through a door (especially a spring-loaded door) with a woman.

I hold the door open for her.

If the next person is a man, I’m thinking that I release the door for him, and he holds it open for his companion.

However, what if the next few individuals are women?

Do I continually hold it open for them, until the next man appears, all the while my companion is farther and farther away?

Or do I release it at the woman immediately after my companion ... even though she is a woman? I’d appreciate your take. — Gentleman

DEAR GENTLEMAN » Here’s the good news. The world has finally shifted on its cultural axis, and lovely and thoughtful people like you no longer have to worry excessively about gendered door-holding.

Whoever gets to the door first should open it. If the door is especially heavy, or if you instinctively want/need to do this, you should position yourself, or scoot in and say, “Here, let me get this.” (Like you, I am a champion door-holder, because I spend lots of time with elderly and frail people.)

The idea being that the stronger/younger/hardier person opens and holds the door, releasing it gently to the next stronger/younger/ hardier person who comes along, without regard to gender.

And here’s a counterintuitive tip, especially for my winter wind-blown Chicago friends.

When approaching a revolving door, the younger/ stronger person should go FIRST. This way you can thoughtfully control the speed of the door, making sure your companion gets through safely.

DEAR AMY » I was genuinely shocked when you revealed that you had smoked cigarettes, and vaped!

This is awful, unhealthy, and hardly behavior we should expect from someone dispensing advice!

— Disappointed in You

DEAR DISAPPOINTED »

I’m honest about my own frailty and failings. I think it’s the only appropriate response to readers who are equally honest, searching, and trying to improve.

Amy Dickinson