Readers struggle being ‘more than friends’

I’ve briefly stepped away from my column to work on a new writing project.

This week, I’m rerunning topical Q&A from 10 years ago. I’m calling today’s topic, “More than friends.” I’ll be back next week with fresh columns.

I am a 35-year-old divorced mother of two. During the past five years, “Chris” and I have become good friends. I’ve known that he has romantic feelings for me, but I don’t share these feelings.

I have never given Chris any indication that I want anything other than friendship. However, after dinner the other night, he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. He is hurt and confused.

Chris is everything I want in a man, but he is morbidly obese. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and tell him that I’m not attracted to him.

— Just Friendship

Your friend owes you an apology.

While out-of-nowhere kisses seem sort of charming in the movies, in real life this is an aggressive act.

You don’t need to acknowledge the “elephant in the room.” Chris will assume that his weight is the deal-breaker no matter what you say. Just tell him, “I know you feel romantic toward me, but I don’t toward you. I don’t see that changing, and I’m sorry we didn’t talk about this sooner. I’d like to continue to spend time with you as friends, but I understand if you don’t want to.” (June, 2009)

I used to be good friends with “Mar- tin” in college. I was pretty much in love with him, but we were never more than friends.

When I realized he was using me to escape his bad relationship with his awful girlfriend, I pulled away. In my defensive state, I probably acted like a real “female dog.”

Martin recently “friended” me on Facebook and I saw, to my amused bewilderment, that he has an actual female dog that he has given my name (I have one of those names that people often use for their dogs).

In college it was a running joke how annoyed I would get when people gave their pets my name.

Should I take a chill pill and realize this could all be a strange coincidence?

— Bemused

You should definitely take a chill pill, and if you decide to react to this, make sure you do so with humor.

If you respond to “Martin,” tell him it’s a kick to connect with him, and say: “I can’t help but notice that you’ve given your dog my name. I’d like to think that this is a coincidence — or paying homage to me — and not a reflection on how you remember my behavior from college.”

Follow with a question about what he’s doing these days, giving him something specific to respond to, and then let the proverbial sleeping dogs lie. (Jan., 2009)

I have a friend with whom I was intimate with many years ago. I recently heard from this friend after 18 years of no contact. Our spouses are not aware of our relationship, but I enjoy our phone conversa- tions. I find myself looking forward to the next call. I am afraid to tell my spouse for fear of losing this relationship. Is it wrong to keep this private? A part of me says it’s wrong to keep this from my spouse, and a part of me says I’m entitled to have this person who emotionally supports me in my life.

— Confused

You are entitled to have a person in your life that offers you emotional support. Ideally, that person is your spouse. This secret relationship is placing your marriage at great risk. One clue to how dangerous it is, is your fear that disclosing this secret will cause that relationship to end.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse chose to have frequent, emotionally charged, secret contact with a former, intimate partner. Then you should come clean about this relationship, and do the brave thing — and end it.

You should work with your spouse to recover the emotional intimacy that is so obviously absent in your relationship. Every marriage faces challenges, and every relationship changes based on how partners react to these challenges. You and your spouse could strengthen your relationship by working through this together. (May, 2009)

In my book group, we try to keep our discussions focused by following the reading group guides or questions provided by the publisher. Nevertheless, one of our members never fails to monopolize the discussion, and her comments are mostly off the mark or anecdotal. One of our members plans to call her

Amy Dickinson