Friend’s final request creates a burden

DEAR AMY >> My childhood best friend, “Lynn,” died after a long battle with colon cancer. She asked me to spread her ashes in Ireland, off of cliffs that we once visited together on a vacation. She asked me this the last time I saw her, and I was completely stunned, but agreed. She died a couple of days later.

That was nine years ago.

Lynn never married or had children. We grew up together, attended college together, and she was my maid of honor.

Her ashes are safe in an urn in my home, but I just feel so guilty that I did not carry out her final wishes. It’s just not realistic for me to go to Ireland. I’m retired, and can’t devote that kind of money to a trip. I have no other reason to go back there.

My husband suggested that I hire someone in Ireland, and ship the ashes to them to spread. But I don’t know anyone there, and would not feel comfortable leaving this to someone else.

What do you think I should do?

— Holding

DEAR HOLDING >> In researching your question, I note that there are professional “scattering” services, which you can hire to scatter a person’s ashes. An internet search will reveal some options for you to consider. The cost to do this in Europe seems to be about half the cost of a flight and a stay in Ireland.

In the United States, roadscholar.org conducts tours to Ireland. You could contact this company; they might be able to connect you with a local guide in Ireland who would be willing to undertake this important task for you.

You could also try to contact a church in the area where your friend wanted her ashes scattered to see if someone affiliated with the church would be willing to do this, according to your instructions.

In the meantime, you could also scatter portions of your friend’s ashes in closer locations that you know were meaningful to her, and where you could think of her when you visited, perhaps off the coast of Cape Cod, where (you might imagine) currents from the Atlantic would carry them toward Ireland.

Putting some effort into solving this is better than being paralyzed and feeling guilty. Your effort will clarify your options and help you to make a choice.

DEAR AMY >> Your recent response to “Picture Poor” was unhelpful and inadequate. A grandfather generously took two of his granddaughters to Paris and his only request was for them to send him pictures in which he appeared. Your response was to acknowledge the granddaughter was rude to him, but for the grandfather to just be patient and never “mention it again.”

If I were the mother of those two ungrateful daughters, I would want to know about their behavior. Your advice to handle this with the girls was not appropriate.

— Disappointed DEAR DISAPPOINTED >> I

gave this grandfather credit for trying to negotiate with the granddaughters about this, but I definitely see your point.

DEAR AMY >> My husband passed away a few years ago from melanoma. He was 26.

He was sick for three years, battling this vicious cancer, before his death.

Even though I was somewhat prepared for his death, I was in a complete state of shock and could not function, let alone plan a funeral.

My husband was so devoted to getting better that he would not speak of the possibility of dying.

I wanted a simple funeral and cremation. His mother and stepmother wouldn’t hear of it and “took care” of the funeral arrangements at a local funeral parlor.

When I received the bill, it totaled over $20,000!

Amy, my husband and I were together for seven years, but married for only six months (we decided to elope when his cancer returned).

I asked his mothers if they were aware that the funeral they chose cost that much and they both responded that cost was not their priority.

In the same conversation they both said that they couldn’t afford to help with the payments.

As sensitive a subject as this is, the reality is that I have hard feelings that they would be so inconsiderate when they know that we were a young couple and I was already swimming in medical bills.

It is very hard to maintain a relationship knowing that they left me with this added stress. What do you think? — Young Widow in NY

DEAR YOUNG WIDOW >> I think this is ... unfortunate, to say the least.

I can completely understand your late husband’s two mothers’ choice to give him the funeral of their dreams, but to then stick you with the burden

of paying the bill they ran up is beyond the pale.

The first thing you should do is to carefully review the charges from the funeral home. The cost of your late husband’s service was well over twice the cost of the average funeral. In my opinion, this amount is suspiciously high.

After that, you should try to rationally explore your options, including getting some of these charges reduced, persuading/pressuring your late-husband’s mothers to share the cost with you, and — as a last resort, perhaps declaring bankruptcy.

All of these options will affect your relationship with these women, but your relationship was already compromised when they went against your wishes and then stuck you with the tab.

I hope that you can gradually get yourself out from under this so that you can grieve, heal, and move forward.

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I recently moved to a 55-and-over community.

My husband is not very social. I have found that it isn’t easy to make new friends now that I am older.

I am not a drinker, and don’t go to bars.

It seems like it’s a repeat of high school days, with exclusive cliques having formed.

Do you have any suggestions of where else I can go to develop new friendships?

— Struggling

DEAR STRUGGLING >> One upside of “55 and over” communities is that you are guaranteed to meet people in your age group. This is also the downside, in my opinion.

One reason high school can be such a social minefield is due to the overall lack of diversity. I’m referring here not only to racial and economic diversity, but — significantly — to age diversity.

My theory is that when hundreds of people at the same relative age and stage are in an enclosed social system, a sort of “law of the jungle” takes over. People form groups and then cling to them. Any newcomer is considered an outsider.

I can well imagine the challenge of trying to integrate into this sort of community, especially because you are married to a man who doesn’t want to participate in your social life as a couple. You are flying solo, but without the advantages of actually being single.

Start your search for friends at the library. Libraries lately have become thriving hubs of community. As a volunteer, you would meet not only fellow volunteers and staffers, but you would intersect with a wide swath of humanity — from children to the elderly. This would keep you physically and intellectually engaged.

DEAR AMY >> “Undecided” was wrestling with the eternal dilemma of choosing between career and children. She was feeling pressured by friends and family to choose children.

I never want to live in a world where people are having children for other people.

— Fanada in Canada DEAR FANADA >> Well said. Thank you.