Engaged couple wants to exclude estranged family from wedding

DEAR AMY >> I have recently gotten engaged.

Growing up, my narcissistic mother physically and emotionally abused me. I was held to a much higher standard than my younger sister.

This led me to take out my frustrations on my sister — verbally, and also through manipulation.

I didn’t speak much to my family as a teenager, left the house for college, and never went back.

I have not spoken to my sister in years. At family functions she literally pretends as though I am physically not there (e.g. she won’t set a place for me at the table).

As an adult I sought therapy, and have forgiven my mother (despite her lack of insight or admission of wrong-doing). I have also sincerely apologized to my sister. She refuses to accept my apology.

I do not wish for her to be part of my wedding, as she has not been part of my life for years, nor does she know me or my fiancé.

I know that my mother will not be pleased about excluding my sister, and will likely give me an ultimatum, as she often does.

A wedding is a time for love, and if she attends, I know I will feel that it is strictly due to an obligation and expectation.

It is going to be a small, intimate wedding. Should I invite my sister to please my mother? Will I regret not inviting her in the future?

— Sister Trouble

DEAR TROUBLE >> I don’t know what you will regret in the future. Your dysfunctional family and your own (admitted) abusive behavior toward your sister has presented you with plenty of opportunities for regret.

Yes, weddings are about love. They are about the couple. Weddings are also about building a family. These celebrations offer opportunities for inclusion and can mark a fresh start to a relationship.

However, you should not invite your sister to your wedding if you don’t want to have — or try to build — a relationship with her. Given what you say about her refusal to acknowledge you, it seems doubtful that she would attend your wedding, even if she were invited.

The red flag I detect here involves your mother. Narcissists are manipulators and punishers. You don’t mention what ultimatum your mother might lay down regarding your wedding, but — whatever it is — I strongly suggest that you and your fiancé should not cave to her demands. Doing so is a guaranteed regret.

DEAR AMY >> I have a strange question.

I’m wondering if my husband and I should tell his mother (my MIL) that we are expecting a child.

The reason we hesitate is because she has stated, repeatedly and emphatically, that if we have a baby she will not be enthusiastic about it, and that we cannot count on her to host a shower, be involved, or do any babysitting.

We are excited about the pregnancy, but — hello — we get it that she doesn’t want to be a grandmother!

— Excited and Expectant

DEAR EXCITED >> You should do whatever you want to do.

What I mean is — you have all of the information you need to have about your mother-in-law. Hello? You get it!

Beyond that, you should not let her control you to the extent that you are deliberately withholding news that you want to share.

If you don’t disclose this pregnancy and she learns about it from someone else, you will most likely be punished for that.

If you do disclose the pregnancy to her, you can accurately anticipate her reaction.

But this is not her life. It is yours! If she doesn’t want to assume any grandparent roles, or if she wants her role to be very limited, then, hey, it’s her loss.

I offer one caveat: Pregnancy lasts for a long time. I know of refuseniks or reluctant grandparents who have completely turned the corner and embraced the grandchild with lots of love once it arrives. This might not be probable, but it is possible.

You will soon discover the magical and transforming affect that babies can have on people. Lucky you — and congratulations.

DEAR AMY >> Like “Sleeping Alone,” my wife and I struggled with having different nighttime schedules and going to bed at different times. It really affected our intimacy.

We solved this by always going to bed together. Then, after she is asleep, I am sometimes awake for a couple of more hours. I work, read or watch a movie.

— Fellow Night Owl

DEAR NIGHT OWL >> I do the same.

DEAR AMY >> Iwasina two-year relationship with “Tiffany” that ended over a year ago. I created a dishonest situation with her. I take full responsibility for my actions and continue to feel horrible about it.

After the breakup, we didn’t talk for a month.

When we did meet up to talk, she asked me to help her and her children from a previous marriage move 1,500 miles away.

I obliged and did the favor. Since the move, I have kept my distance and tried to move on, continuing to feel horrible that I messed up the good thing we had.

Tiffany has often asked why I don’t talk to her much and why I’ve kept our conversations short. I usually reply that I’m busy.

Am I obligated to keep this friendship going? I don’t want to hurt her again. I feel like if I don’t respond to her contacts she will become upset and depressed. At some point I want to move on to get past my own mistakes without hurting her in the process. How do I get past this?

— Obligated Ex-boyfriend DEAR OBLIGATED >> So, you take responsibility for being dishonest with “Tiffany,” and for causing the breakup of the relationship.

Now it seems that you feel obligated to do whatever Tiffany asks, including moving her and her family across a great distance.

Tiffany may be trying to take advantage of your guilt — it’s hard to tell, since she also seems to be acting like there is an assumption of friendship.

Regardless, Tiffany did not rush in and carry you out of a burning building. She merely let you betray and break up with her. Guilt should not translate into a lifetime of obligations. I take it that even though you feel terrible about causing the end of your good relationship, you don’t want to continue in any kind of friendship. So ... you’re going to have to break up with Tiffany again. Only this time, you’re going to have to go all-in: “Tiffany, the reason I don’t communicate much with you is because I have emotionally moved on from our relationship. I continue to feel terrible about my behavior. You did nothing to deserve that. I want to be honest with you. I don’t want to ghost you. But I don’t want to continue our friendship.”

You are not responsible for Tiffany’s reactions to you. Be honest, be kind, but do not string her along unless you are willing to sincerely engage in a friendship.

DEAR AMY >> A close friend of mine is dating a married man, “Wendell,” whose wife is in a nursing home.

I am not comfortable with this. I believe in adhering to your marriage vows. She includes him in all of our friends’ group activities, such as dinners, parties, etc. I am polite but do not plan to include him in my future plans, such as my children’s weddings, etc.

What’s the best way to navigate this? My friend is very defensive about him.

— Upset Friend

DEAR UPSET >> Your gripe seems to be primarily with “Wendell.” He is the person violating the marriage vows that are so important to you. Your friend is a party to his behavior, but he is ultimately responsible for it. If you feel the need to exclude him from important events for this reason, and you feel he deserves or requires an explanation, then you should tell him.

You don’t seem to know him — or have special insight into his situation. I would feel uncomfortable judging someone so harshly, unless you at least made an effort to understand the circumstances.

You have to live by your own standards; it is not always wise, or kind, to insist that others must.

Amy Dickinson