Wedding snub should be taken personally

DEAR AMY >> I met “Jane” and “Louis” two years ago. Jane and I work together and quickly became good friends — she even called me her “work wife.”

Jane and Louis introduced me to my boyfriend, “Charlie,” who I’ve been dating now for over a year. They have been friends with Charlie for several years.

Jane and Louis got engaged earlier this year.

Charlie received an invitation to the wedding. However, the invite didn’t include a “plus one.”

When Charlie asked them about this, they said, “Sorry, no girlfriends are allowed, only married couples.”

One, I was shocked and hurt that I’ve been reduced to only being Charlie’s girlfriend, when I thought I was also good friends with this couple.

Two, I’ve never heard of this rule. I understand not wanting to pay for random dates at your wedding, but my boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship. We’ve attended other weddings together.

Charlie still plans to attend this wedding, and I would never ask him not to.

Should I just assume it’s a budget issue and let it go? Or do I have a right to be upset and re-evaluate our friendship?

— Sidelined Friend DEAR SIDELINED >> My standard position is to advise people not to take things personally.

However, and unfortunately, this does seem personal, and quite awkward.

You know this couple well. They thought enough of you to introduce you to your guy. You are the bride’s work wife, for goodness sake!

True, wedding receptions are very expensive. Many marrying couples follow a guideline to only invite couples to their wedding if the couple is married, engaged, or living together, but this guideline is often stretched to include committed couples, and/or “plus-ones.”

You are wise to take the high road. I hope their wedding and marriage goes well. Your marriage to your work wife might be in trouble, however.

DEAR AMY >> Our closest friends are always, I repeat, always late.

Usually they are 10 minutes late, give or take a couple of minutes.

Over the years they have been late as much as 30 or 40 minutes.

The wife in this couple is the main reason for the lateness, 95 percent of the time.

This past week they were 30 minutes late, and we were leaving when they pulled up.

Unfortunately, I’m not much for waiting. So I was upset, and we didn’t have such a great time.

Now, she is mad at me for getting mad at her for being 30 minutes late!

Wow. What do we do now? If she calls fine, but we are not going to call to check on them!

Am I so far off base to expect a little respect and being a little more considerate?

I have talked to several other friends, no names mentioned, and they all say that she is just plain “rude and inconsiderate,” and that her time is more important than ours.

What is your take on this?

— Very Tired of Waiting

DEAR VERY TIRED >> Like you, my personal clock seems permanently set to “Let’s go!”, and so I well understand the frustration of dealing with people who always run late.

However, at some point it really is your job to find a way to cope with a pattern that is quite predicable and (evidently) unchanging.

Unless you are about to miss the opening curtain at the theater or are hopping on the space shuttle together, you could mitigate the effect on you by adjusting their “start time” by 10 minutes or so, taking separate cars, or by — yes — calling them when you feel anxious to check on their exact ETA.

They are being inconsiderate. They are being rude. It is appropriate for you to express how frustrating this is for you. But if their rudeness is going to cause you to sulk for an extended period, or ruin your own good time, then you shouldn’t spend time with them until you can find ways to control your reaction.

And no — she does not have the right to be mad at you for being mad. That’s just her way of deflecting her own discomfort over the trouble she caused.

DEAR AMY >> “Lonely” was an older married woman seeking romance online. I was glad you warned her about “catfishing” and told her never to send money to these scammers.

I wish you had told her to get out and meet actual people through volunteering.

— Faithful Reader DEAR FAITHFUL >> “Lonely” definitely needed to step away from her computer. Great advice. Thank you.

DEAR AMY >> I am 32 years old. My parents divorced 17 years ago. I came home

from school to find my dad gone. Months went by before there was any communication.

Within a year, he had remarried.

Originally his wife was friendly. When I became an adult, that changed. She completely fell off the face of the Earth, and so did my dad, even though we live just miles apart. The last time I was at his house was 2014.

My dad barely stayed an hour at my wedding (his wife didn’t attend), and also missed the birth of my and my husband’s first child. I’ve invited them both to our home, and when I ask to have a get-together, he informs me that he (alone) will “stop by.”

At this point, I no longer seek affirmation.

My mom says I need to be honest with him, but I have already told him that we are running out of time to form a relationship with his grandson, and that I’m disappointed that he is not available.

I don’t know what I have done to offend his wife.

Someone close to me recommended that I bypass my dad and contact her instead.

I’m a little nervous doing that because I hate to create conflict.

I’m trying to do what I can to spare any regrets or hard feelings. What can you suggest?

— Ditched Daughter DEAR DITCHED >> You are not creating conflict. Stating your own wishes with an open attitude is not provocative behavior.

One good reason to put your feelings into writing is because doing so will give you the opportunity to say exactly what is on your mind and heart, without the sometimes confusing dynamic of a verbal interaction. You will also have the chance to re-read your missive before sending it to make sure that what you are writing is accurate and respectful, and (hopefully) inspiring a response.

When writing, you will also have a record of exactly what you said.

I suggest keeping your note short and simple, addressing it to both your father and his wife, and sending it via email (if possible) to both of them.

Here is a sample: Dear Dad and Charlotte: I’ve tried to communicate this in various ways over the years, but I want you to know that Brad and I are eager to have more contact with you, especially now that we have our wonderful son in our lives. Our boy makes us want to get a fresh start and have the very best relationships possible — for all of our sakes. If there are things we can do differently to help make this happen, I hope you will let us know, but for now I hope you understand that we want to have a renewed and positive relationship. We go to the park on Saturdays. Can you join us next Saturday? I’ll bring some coffee.”

Attach a photo of your cutie.

I hope you understand that it is not actually in your power to fix this. I give you a lot of credit for trying.

(You can send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy.)