Wedding guests are put off by cash grab

DEAR AMY » The son of a friend is getting married in March.

He and his fiancée have lived together for several years.

Both are 30-ish and employed.

They are planning an expensive wedding, followed by an expensive honeymoon to Thailand, and have established a registry asking for funding for their honeymoon or future home.

As we are not interested in contributing to these expenses, would it be appropriate to make a contribution to a charity in honor of their nuptials?

Under the circumstances, we plan to save our money by declining the wedding invitation, afraid that a kitty jar might be passed to pay for the ceremony.

— Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED » If this couple registered for a slow cooker from Crate and Barrel, would you decline to give it to them, believing that because they are employed and living together — they don’t actually deserve to receive something specifically because they’ve asked for it?

My point is that the idea behind registries has always been to try to give the couple something that they actually want and will use.

Even though you balk at the idea of contributing money to a prosperous couple, in some cultures, after a wedding — regardless of the social status of the couple — people place money in an envelope and hand it directly to the bride, who places the envelope in a special purse. Others use “money trees” on their gift table, and some guests pin cash onto a metal tree for the couple to use to defray expenses.

Less-obvious requests for cash are honeymoon registries (or even so-called “cash” registries), which have become quite popular. My favorite registries involve specific items you can purchase for the couple to enjoy while on their honeymoon trip, such as, “Zip-lining through the rain forest” or “an afternoon of surfing.”

Using one of these registries, I contributed for a honeymooning couple to have coffee and croissants at a café during their trip to Paris. They sent me a postcard from their trip, thanking me for the gift and completing the circle. Nice!

Just because a registry is set up, a guest is not obligated to use it.

In fact, because you intend to skip this wedding, you are not obligated to give the couple anything at all.

However, you can pat yourself on the back, because contributing to a worthy nonprofit is always a good idea, even if your motivation to do so is more passive-aggressive than generous.

DEAR AMY » My siblings found out through an email from their nephew (my son) that I am going to be a grandmother.

I was away at the time, having just found out myself. They all emailed their nephew to offer congratulations.

It is four days later and not one of them has contacted me to congratulate me that I am going to be a grandmother.

We otherwise have regular communication.

Am I being over-sensitive, or are they being insensitive?

— Soon-to-be Grandmother

DEAR GRANDMOTHER »

I think you are being over-sensitive. Your siblings might have believed that your son was going to share his news with you in a special way. Because you were away at the time, they might not have wanted to hop onto this news, just in case you hadn’t been told yet.

Or, they may have simply been focused on responding to the person who shared this news with them — your son.

Now that you are going to enter the specialstatus category of “grandparent,” you should take stock of your own needs, sensitivities, and relationships.

Being a grandparent is a grand opportunity to become more expansive and generous, and please, less sensitive.

If you are excited, say so! Contact your siblings, saying, “I think you’ve already heard the good news! I’m really excited. Our newest family member is due this summer.”

This will give them the opportunity to respond directly to you. For your sake, I hope your siblings give you what you want.

DEAR AMY » In a recent column, you replied to a question from “Desperate,” a medical student who was torn between her desire to live a small-town life, and her longtime boyfriend’s need to live in a big city.

In your list of metropolitan areas that seem to offer the benefits of both bigcity life and proximity to beautiful nature, you mentioned my town of Portland, Oregon.

Sure — we appreciate the shout-out, but please don’t send any more people here, Amy. We’re all full-up.

— Happy in Portland DEAR HAPPY » And your response is ... full-on Portlandish.

DEAR AMY » I have an unconventional problem with my mother-in-law.

She does not meddle, undermine me, tell me how to raise my children, or imply that I’m not good enough for her son. She provides free childcare willingly, and always brings gifts for the kids, most of which I approve of.

My problem is that she’s unbearably annoying.

She has an extremely high-pitched voice, a thick Russian accent, and a pronounced stutter.

I can’t hold these things against her, and they are only mildly bothersome in normal conversation. But when she talks to my kids, especially the baby, it becomes unbearable.

She speaks exclusively in a mix of broken English baby talk and nonsense noises, and the level of repetition is borderline pathological.

She may repeat the same high-pitched sing-song “Oo goo goosh! Oo goo goosh!” sound to my baby literally hundreds of times over the course of an hour.

My level of annoyance is so high that I turn away, cringe, and silent-scream expletives when it gets bad.

I don’t know how to address this, or if it’s worth it. Please help!

— Annoyed

DEAR ANNOYED » You say that you can’t hold your mother-in-law’s verbal tics against her, so ... just don’t.

Much of what you report comes off as very unkind.

This kind woman is your children’s beloved grandmother. She cannot control her accent or her stutter. Her “goo goo gooshing” and baby talk are annoying to you, but she is really singing an ancient song — this is a song of human connection, passed from elders to babies since the dawn of time. She is also passing along part of her (and your kids’) heritage.

All the same, I totally understand how aurally annoying this would be to grown-up ears.

When it gets to you, excuse yourself and go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Take deep breaths while the water is boiling. Unleash your silent rant. And be patient.

DEAR AMY » I have an outof-town guest visiting for a few weeks, both for work and relaxation.

It was an unplanned visit and she has been very accommodating to scheduled activities I had prior to her arrival. I have been invited to a party, and she will still be in town that weekend.

I would like to include her in my plans, as she doesn’t have anything else to do that night.

I asked the host if I could bring a plus one to the gathering. The host replied that it was a small group and they would prefer not to entertain an extra.

Well, now what do I do? I can see the situation from all sides. The host shouldn’t feel obligated to include another guest and I shouldn’t be expected to cancel. But I also feel bad that my guest has nothing to do then.

What would be a good way to handle this situation?

— Good Host

DEAR HOST » You sound like a very thoughtful and accommodating friend. However, if your guest is with you for several weeks on an unscheduled visit, she is going to face a few instances where she will have to entertain herself. You have a previous commitment; she has a (presumably cozy) place to stay. She should be grateful for your hosting and understanding about your dilemma.

She’ll have to “chillax” on her own that night.