Readers wonder how to meet, or repel others

DEAR READERS »

Every year, I step away from the Ask Amy column for two weeks in order to work on other writing projects.

My two memoirs, “The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Story of Surprising Second Chances,”(2010, Hachette) and “Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Coming Home” (2018, Hachette) are available from your favorite bookseller or library.

Today’s “Best Of” column from 2010 revolves around meeting and matching.

I’ll be back with fresh Q and A next week.

DEAR AMY » I’m a kind, attractive man, but I’m shy around women. So, tell me: If I’m at the market and an attractive woman comes up next to me and silently looks at vegetables, does she want me to introduce myself? —Shy in Boston

DEAR SHY » Fellow shoppers actually could be shopping for food, but your instinct is correct; supermarkets can be great places to meet people. Practice your technique to see what works best for you.

Unfortunately, the produce section can lead a nervous (or nervy?) person to be inappropriate. Stay away from melons, tangelos and cucumbers.

Introducing yourself can seem abrupt, but opening with a question can be a great way to start a conversation with someone.

You say something like, “What do you think, do these peppers look fresh to you? I can never tell.” A woman interested in meeting you will respond in a way that leaves room for a follow-up from you.

Dear Amy: I am a retired man in my early 80s. My wife passed away last year, and I moved into a senior living residence so I would have some company.

Although I am an “older adult,” I still play tennis and keep myself in good shape.

Many women in my new home seem to be single and are aggressive about finding a man. Several have invited me for drinks and dinner, and later suggested I spend the night.

Now, I have nothing against pretty women, and I enjoy their company, but I just don’t want to get into a relationship.

How do I let them know I’m not interested in a serious relationship without hurting their feelings?

Gosh, some men I know might think they had died and gone to heaven.

— Not Looking

DEAR NOT LOOKING >.>

Based on your story and other tales I’m hearing from the world of senior housing, I’ve come to the conclusion that the older generation really puts the “living” into “assisted living.”

You may be misinterpreting the motives of the women at your complex.

Just because they come on to you and invite you to spend the night, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are looking for a serious relationship. You will learn this as you go.

If this sort of arrangement isn’t to your liking (and it obviously isn’t), you should respond with a version of, “Dottie, you’re a dear and the casserole was wonderful, but I’m only looking for tennis partners.”

DEAR AMY » I am 60 years old and have been single for 20 years. My best friend tells me I’m “man crazy” because I keep trying to connect emotionally with men at church, my favorite venue for meeting nice men.

My friend says that

I fall in love with every man who talks to me. She told me recently that she thinks men generally avoid me because I’m too aggressive. I just like to talk to them and get to know them.

Yes, there are times when I have been infatuated with men. But when I let a man know, he pretty much runs for the hills.

I think I have a lot to offer a man, but, evidently, I drive them away. I don’t know how to proceed. Should I keep trying or mind my own business at church?

— Need to Know

DEAR NEED » You seem to think you attend the Church of the Heavenly Hookups. So let’s start with your description of your house of worship as “my favorite venue for meeting nice men.”

Church is a great place to connect with people, but the primary connection should be spiritual or communal.

You sound like a stalker, and from your description, you make people uncomfortable. You could work on understanding your galloping emotions by seeing a professional therapist.

Church is not the appropriate venue for you to practice flirting skills. Listen carefully to your friend’s description of your behavior, and then ask her to help you behave differently.

She might make a good wingman for you -- but not at church.