Handyman’s attitude isn’t much of a repair

For several years now, my husband and

I (senior citizens), have allowed a handyman to perform repairs around our house and business.

Last week, he told my husband that his sister had the coronavirus.

My husband and I both told him that he should hold off completing the garage project that he had started at our house. He became indignant and insisted that HE was not the one that had the virus and that he hadn’t been in contact with his sister except for a job that he had done, supposedly, outside of her house a “couple of weeks ago.”

We insisted that he not come to our home for now.

Well, he came anyway, was furious at me especially, perceiving that I was the major influence in his loss of a few dollars a day on our garage project.

He blurted out to me, “I’m through with you,” several times and left.

I threatened to call the police if he returned uninvited.

A week later, he called my husband and they exchanged pleasantries. My husband said that he “sent his regards” to me.

Amy, my husband is a pushover and will just go on like nothing happened.

While I forgive this handyman, I feel he needs to learn a lesson that he can’t just rant, put us in jeopardy, and then a week later pretend that everything is just fine and resume work at our home.

I never want to hire him again, yet I know this will cause my husband to take his side because he’s a softie.

What would you do? Please advise.

— Standing My Ground

DEAR STANDING

» You haven’t “allowed” this man to do repairs. You have hired him to perform work at your home. There is a difference. You two aren’t doing one another favors - there is an exchange of money for service, and reasonable expectations and behavior on both sides are supposed to keep this relationship in balance.

Forget about trying to teach him a lesson. That’s not your job. He threatened you to the point where you felt the need to tell him you would call the police. If he considers you (rather than your husband) to be “the problem” here, then so be it.

He should be paid for the work he has done so far, and you and your husband should find someone else to complete the project.

If he is eager to keep you as clients, he should admit that his behavior was out of line and apologize, specifically to you, because he directed most of his anger toward you.

Granted, we’re all a little tense right now, but you and your pushover husband deserve this respect and reassurance from a professional.

DEAR AMY »

My husband didn’t smoke when we married. He’s a one to two pack-a-day smoker, now. He smokes in “his” room. I ask him if he’s smoking that he at least go out on the porch. He makes a big deal about it, saying, “Why can’t I smoke a cigarette in my own house?”

I hate the smoke everywhere — in house, car, and on our clothes! When I get up in the morning and open my bedroom door, that’s all I can smell, and then I get nauseous!

My son (who quit smoking last year) said that when he’s around me I smell like an ashtray! Help! Both my husband and I have quite a few health problems.

I’ve talked with him about this numerous times!

What do you or your readers suggest?

— Smoked Out

DEAR SMOKED OUT »

Your husband’s smoking has created a significant health risk for both of you. You’ve “talked with him numerous times.” Instead of talking, you should absolutely insist - every single day - that he not smoke inside the house. You should make it too uncomfortable for your husband to smoke inside, and basically bug him enough to send him onto the porch.

Your son should back you up on this.

Your husband has options for imbibing in his deadly habit - he can smoke outside. If he continues to smoke inside, your exposure to secondhand toxins might seriously limit your options.

DEAR AMY »

You nailed it in the last paragraph of your response to “Not Trying to be a B.” A CEO I once worked for used to say, “If you’re not exceeding your authority, you’re not doing your job.”

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE »

“B” was openly demonstrating her creativity and ambition. I told her that some CEOs appreciate that - because it reminds them of themselves.

DEAR AMY »

I’m president of my Home Owners Association, and generally enjoy the job in our 282unit community.

I’ve noticed that ever since our area went on

shelter-in-place, I’ve received several calls where the homeowner was extremely agitated. Often, they begin the conversation at high volume and also halfway through their sentence.

I’m guessing that this agitation is coronavirusrelated and has little to do with what’s happening in our community. I’m an engineer with poor people skills.

Any suggestions on how I can calm down these callers?

— HOA Helper

DEAR HELPER » I appreciate your question, and what you are trying to do for your community members.

During “normal” times, your engineering skills are probably an ideal fit when fulfilling your important function. Unfortunately, these times call upon all of us to practice new skills.

You would be wise to always keep in mind how anxious many people are right now, even if you are not. Anxiety has a way of scrambling the thought process, as well as magnifying problems until they can seem overwhelming.

Take a breath before you take a call. Listen without commenting or interrupting. Do not tell someone to “calm down” (this sort of directive leads some people to believe that they are not being heard or understood). Your “listening posture” should be calm, affirmative, and supportive: “I can tell you’re upset. I’m sorry this is happening. I know it’s hard.”

When appropriate, you could ask, “How can I try to help you?” Be honest in your responses. If a problem is well beyond your function as HOA president, you should say so. If appropriate, you could also ask people to follow up with an email, in order to have a written record of their concern.

I wonder if there is another person in your community who might serve as a temporary “community ambassador.”

You do not want to become the repository of community gossip or discord, but if it helps others for you to be something of a sounding board, you would be serving an important function.

DEAR AMY »

Like thousands of others who have loved ones in nursing homes and other health care facilities, we haven’t been able to see our 89-year-old mom since March.

She was in good health and mentally sharp until January. She’s been back and forth between the hospital and rehab many times since then.

She went from being mentally sharp to having trouble with a simple phone call. Someone from the family was with her every day until the lockdown.

This is a nightmare for us.

Well-meaning friends call to ask how mom is doing, and then proceed to give advice, and - worse — describe similar events leading up to their mothers’ deaths. I’ve had to tell them to stop. I can’t talk about someone dying right now. — Please Stop

DEAR PLEASE » This is heartbreaking. Yes, please stop.