Expectant mom worried about baby shower

DEAR AMY » My husband and I are expecting our first baby, due in October.

This will be my only child due to my age, and also because the pregnancy has been medically complicated.

I was initially excited to have a baby shower, but now I’m concerned about the health of family and friends, as well as myself and my unborn child.

Many of my family members are much older and at higher risk for having serious complications from COVID-19.

Some of them would not be willing to wear masks; and most of my family would not be computer savvy enough to do a video-call-shower.

Maintaining proper etiquette is important to me; do you have any suggestions for how I can still enjoy this momentous event with a shower, and keep everyone safe?

I feel it would be terribly tacky to just send out information and/or links to my baby registry without a shower. I also feel sad at the prospect of missing out on spending time with my extended family. We are a close-knit group.

Expectant

DEAR EXPECTANT » You should definitely follow your judgment. This is one of many important decisions you will make as a new parent.

Because you say etiquette is important to you, you should also understand that “oldschool” rules dictate that you should not host this shower for yourself. A friend or relative normally steps in to organize and host, timing it for the month before your due date.

I have heard of many

“remote” showers that seem to work out well - the basic concept is that you receive gifts that are shipped to you and then you start the shower at a prearranged time, with your guests joining you remotely as you and your husband open these gifts.

It might be fun for you (or your host) to send your special remote guests an invitation along with a tea cup (or an inexpensive wine glass), with the directions to “join” you at a specific date and time via video conference or phone.

The host of the shower would send directions for how to do this, as well as contact information for anyone with questions.

AARP.org offers an online tutorial on how to use this technology; even people with landlines can join by phone, and although they might not get video, they could still participate. Anyone who wants to send a gift would be instructed to have it shipped to your home in advance of the date.

DEAR AMY » I wanted to add to your advice to “Sad on the West Coast.” This person was reflecting on a two-year-old dispute, where her husband blew up at a neighbor. She said her husband had apologized, but the matter was far from settled.

I’m a long-time member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What I teach the people I sponsor about “making amends” (Step 9) - and what I practice myself

— is that there are three parts to a good amends: (1) tell them what you did (in other words, take responsibility for the harm); (2) ask them if you left anything out, or if there is anything they want to say to you (often, there is); and (3) ask them how you can set things right and, if it is reasonable, do it.

I’ve had good success over the years using this process.

By the way, an apology (saying “I’m sorry”) may or may not be what someone wants to hear. Often, it just tells them how YOU feel about the situation but does not involve taking responsibility. And, of course, we hear way too many “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” types of “apologies.”

D

DEAR D » This is so helpful. Guided by lessons I’ve learned in this space, I recently took responsibility and apologized to someone for something I said, and, frankly, the person seemed stunned. I was reminded of how powerful an apology (even over a minor matter) can be.

I believe that good apologies are actually relationship-builders, because they are personally challenging and convey vulnerability, humility, and intimacy.

DEAR AMY » I had two years of Spanish in high school. A few years later, as a nurse, I knew enough words to evaluate my patients’ basic needs i.e. toilet, pain, hunger, fear.

Over the years, I found that any attempt to communicate in a foreign language, albeit limited, was appreciated by persons who went about their work, frequently ignored because they didn’t speak English.

Barely Bilingual

DEAR BILINGUAL: COMMUNICATING

THE CONCEPT » “I see you,” is powerful. DEAR AMY » I recently “unfriended” my dear older sister on Facebook because some of our political views differ — so rather than see her

postings that differ from my views, I decided to eliminate that tension.

Before the unfriending, I tried to “unfollow” her, but then I’d miss her posts about other things, so I’d check her page and eventually see more politics. I just can’t stop offering my opinions when she posts, and then I feel chastised when she defends her point of view.

We don’t hang out a lot, but when we are together we don’t normally talk politics; and if something uncomfortable (for me) comes up, I change the subject.

My sister says, “OK, fine. We’ll just live in a world of unicorns and rainbows.”

She is obviously not happy that I unfriended her.

She says everyone has differing opinions, and that’s OK.

Is she right, am I living in a fantasy world by trying to keep the tension out of our relationship? Am I oversensitive? — Little Sister

DEAR SISTER » My take on this is that you do seem sensitive and very protective of your point of view. But (speaking as a “little sister” myself), the age differential between siblings often conveys a lifetime of dominance.

Your less-sensitive older sister feels comfortable staking her claim and then defending it when you offer your own views. You interpret this as “tension,” but she seems to see it as a back-and-forth. She may also enjoy needling you regarding your sensitivity.

I suspect that after two weeks of being disconnected on social media, your blood pressure will stay down, you will stop feeling guilty and you will enjoy not being reactive and triggered by your sister’s postings.

The next time she teases you about living in a fantasy world, I suggest you demonstrate that you are unruffled. Send her a GIF of a unicorn leaping over a rainbow with the statement: “Life in my fantasy world is even better than I imagined. Love you, sis — let’s talk soon.”

DEAR AMY » Here’s another suggestion for how to get someone to stop interrupting: Many years ago when I obviously interrupted a friend, the friend stopped me dead in my tracks by saying, “I bet you thought I was finished.”

I was unaware of my tendency to interrupt people until it was so vividly pointed out. It was a lesson learned and was a great way to teach me and the others who were there a lesson that I never forgot.

— Grateful

DEAR GRATEFUL » I love this phrasing (and expect a loved-one to use it on me very soon).

The next time she teases you about living in a fantasy world, I suggest you demonstrate that you are unruffled.