Friendship fail leads to wedding worry

DEARAMY » In January, my best friend of 30 years and I had a falling out, this was not the first one we’ve had over the years.

I sent texts, checking on her health during the pandemic, with no response. Finally, two weeks ago, she contacted me.

She’s getting married and she said she couldn’t decide whether to invite me.

I told her that either way I would understand; it’s her day, not mine. I didn’t hear back. She messaged me tonight, asking if I’d like to attend her wedding, adding that I’m invited, but not my fiance or my children.

I’ve never felt comfortable around her other friends, as she behaves very differently around them. (This behavior is what has caused us to fall out multiple times.)

Now I don’t know whether I should attend. On the one hand, I’d like to be there, because we’ve known each other since the first grade. I love her family, but I’m worried I’ll receive the same treatment from her and her friends that I have experienced before.

NOT going might be better than going. I wouldn’t want to go and then regret it.

However, I appreciate that she got over her pride and invited me.

What do I do? What should I say?

I don’t want to hurt her, but I also feel like after the last falling-out, we’ll never be close again.

— AB in Illinois DEARAB » Your friend has been open about her reluctance to have you attend her wedding. Her reluctance has been underscored by the ungracious way she extended the invitation, and the parameters she has imposed.

Additionally, you don’t really want to go.

I’d call that a mutual parting of the ways.

You do not need to bring the hammer down on this friendship, because it is quite obviously waning. You could respond, “I’m so happy for you; I know this will be a wonderful celebration. I appreciate the invitation, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it. I’ll be thinking of you on the big day.”

DEARAMY » One of my daughters got married last November.

My other daughter is getting married this November.

Can I wear the same dress to this wedding that I wore to last year’s wedding?

— MOB X 2 DEARMOB » You can wear whatever you want to wear, as long as you feel good about how you look.

However, before wearing the same dress to this daughter’s wedding, you should carefully think it through and talk it over with the prospective bride.

Weddings last for part of a day, but the wedding photos last forever. Try to envision how you would perceive the pictures of each daughter’s wedding over time. Would you feel at all self-conscious — after the fact — about essentially looking exactly the same in the two sets of photos, taken at different occasions, a year apart?

You might be able to alter your look by adding a shawl or a dressy coat over your favorite dress.

DEARAMY » I’m writing in response to your answer to “Lost,” the granddaughter whose grandmother was now in hospice care but a rift in the family had many family members unaware of the grandmother’s status.

A very valuable resource is the hospice program. All hospices are required to have both social workers and bereavement counselors. Reaching out to them (this can be done through the nurse or directly through the hospice program) can be of immense help to navigate the pending loss for all family members.

This family seems to be at a very high risk for what is known as a “complicated bereavement.” This can be mitigated through use of the hospice program’s resources. Hospice services do not end when the patient dies, and bereavement does not start after the patient’s death.

I was a longtime hospice medical director, now retired.

I hope this family reaches out for some help to mitigate their losses. — Timothy J. Moynihan, MD

DEARDR. MOYNIHAN » This grandmother was already in hospice care. Thank you for the reminder of all of the ancillary services hospice offers. And thank you for your own service to dying people, and those who love them. Hospice care is life (and death) changing.

DEARAMY » About eight years ago, I gave my 4-year-old godson a train set for Christmas. He enjoyed it and we played with it together for several years. He eventually outgrew it.

Now, he is 12. He recently discovered the train set in the closet. He wanted to sell it to get money to buy some