Millennial wonders if ‘thank you’ is too old-fashioned

DEAR AMY » My grandmother is a traditional Southern lady who drilled her grandchildren on the importance of a heartfelt, promptly sent thank you note after receiving a gift or kind gesture.

I’m recovering from surgery and many people have been kind enough to bring me a meal as I recuperate.

I like letting people know how their kindness has blessed me, and I usually have a note in the mail within the week, but often the response I get to my note is an uncomfortable, “You didn’t have to do that!”

It appears that this courtesy may be viewed as being overly formal and may even cause embarrassment to the recipient.

I’m a millennial and many of my peers don’t send these kinds of notes.

Have the rules changed?

Are thank you notes still the way to go when expressing gratitude, and if not, what is the best way to express thanks in these increasingly informal times?

— Grateful Millennial DEAR GRATEFUL » When you write to someone, a timeless experience unfolds.

There is the act of writing itself, but also the “float” of a couple of days when the stamped message is traveling (literally, not virtually), being delivered (thank you, mail carriers!), opened, and enjoyed.

The rules have not changed. The “rule” being that when people extend themselves through acts of kindness, they should be thanked.

Some people snap a photo or video and post their thank you on social media as a public gesture of thanks - and in this Instagrammy world, this also has the added social benefit of reminding their followers that the giver is generous, but also that the recipient is “so blessed!” (and deserving). This is somewhat show-offy, but it is what people do. Others will text or call. But the handwritten note remains the gold standard of gratitude-expressing.

Being told, “You didn’t have to do that!” is vastly different from, “I wish you hadn’t done that!”

In a semi-clunky way, your friends are acknowledging your gracious gratitude and the lovely old-school manners that your grandmother drilled into you.

You aren’t embarrassing them - you are inspiring them.

DEAR AMY » I have a dear friend who is like a sister to me. We talk a couple of times a week over the phone.

I have a hearing disability in one ear that a hearing aid will not help. Therefore, I do my best to listen carefully and do not have issues with anyone other than this one friend.

She is aware of my situation. However, nine out of 10 times when we talk, she is constantly doing something in the background that would be disturbing to anyone, not just a hearing-impaired person. She’s either running the water to rinse off dishes, chopping and running cooking devices such as blenders or mixers, watering plants outside, or chewing and crunching her food in my ear.

When these sound effects happen, I have to ask her to repeat herself.

I can tell she gets annoyed with me, addresses my situation but says, “if I don’t do this now, I don’t know when I’ll be able to talk.”

This is a person who thrives on being self-important, feeling popular, and it’s always about her.

I’ve accepted that over the past 20 years and actually find it entertaining.

Our friendship is important to me.

I’ve made suggestions, like, “Let’s chat later when you’re not busy,” or I make up an excuse and say I have a call scheduled that I have to take, so let’s check in later.

Amy, she lives alone (as I do), and we are both retired.

How can I get through to her?

— Phone Frustration! DEAR FRUSTRATION! » I have a family member with hearing loss. Time after time, I’ve felt the frustration of trying to communicate, because his comprehension seems to be sporadic.

He finally explained to me: “If there is ANY background noise, that completely takes over and I cannot hear your voice.”

Aha! You should say this to your friend, as many times as it takes. Her hearing might be fine, but her own comprehension seems to be faulty.

DEAR AMY » I believe my husband is having an affair. I know this from watching his behaviors. His phone is constantly going off, day and night. He stands with his back against the wall to check his phone so I can’t see it when he gets home. He is constantly clearing his history. He is very protective about his phone and gets very defensive when I try to talk to him about it.

He is also narcissistic and very into porn. He has always been dishonest.

When we were engaged, I caught him sexting with his ex-wife, who was one of my closest friends. His mother even warned me about how dishonest he is.

He refuses to work on our relationship and is very emotionally abusive and immature.

I have prayed, gone to church, and done everything I can to support him and help him, but ultimately it’s his choice to continue with these behaviors. He acts like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t change. He won’t go to counseling.

I feel taken for granted and used. He only wants me as a home base and wants to continue communicating with lots of women on the side.

I believe he has fallen out of love with me. The spark in his eyes is gone and he won’t communicate.

At this point I don’t know what to do. I have already considered separation but don’t feel like that will fix anything because he refuses to change.

I don’t want a divorce because I love him.

— Confused

DEAR CONFUSED >> Actually, separation could fix everything. Everything.

Separation would remove you from your husband’s orbit. You wouldn’t have to watch him as he tries to mask what he’s doing in your home and under your nose. You wouldn’t be forced to look into his loveless, sparkless eyes.

You wouldn’t have to confront him about his dishonesty or listen to his lies and defensive responses to your allegations.

You don’t have to stop loving your husband. You do need to start loving yourself. You need to grow up, accept that you cannot force your husband to change, and take responsibility for the fact that you chose to marry someone you don’t trust. Counseling would help you.

You are a great believer in the power of change. So change!

DEAR AMY >> With all too much time on my hands this past year, I’ve been digitizing hundreds of photographs I hadn’t looked at in decades.

I’m grateful for every romantic relationship I’ve had, and some of these photographs document these long past relationships.

I’d be interested in your and readers’ thoughts about my obligations, if any, with respect to such images.

Do I destroy them? Offer to share with former partners? And, more delicately, some of these images display tasteful — not explicit

— nudity (I worked as a professional photographer in my youth). Should these be handled differently?

— Embers

DEAR EMBERS >> I think you should ask the other people pictured (privately, not on social media).

DEAR AMY >> The question from “A Reader”made this reader see red!

This person was happily engaging in an adulterous relationship and wanted you to basically sign off on it.

Thank you for this line: “In terms of both your conscience and your luck, I’d say that you have a deficit of both.”

— Red Reader

DEAR RED >> In a world gone mad, I can still be shocked by unrepentant cheating.