Allergies bring on rash of restrictions

DEAR AMY » I currently am wrestling with several serious food allergies. Lab bloodwork has just revealed an autoimmune disorder.

I am scheduled to see a rheumatologist in two months.

My body is thrown into a vicious cycle for weeks after consuming foods that trigger allergies.

So, what should I do when I get together with friends or family for dinners and they try to make special food for me? I don’t want to risk even trying this food because of past experiences with bad reactions.

Recently, a host assured me that all of the ingredients were safe for me, only to learn later that they’d buttered the pan with margarine, which set off my allergies.

They just don’t understand how I have to pay for eating even a trace of that for the next three weeks, but they feel bad because I can’t eat what they eat, and they love food so much that they want to share it with me.

What I prefer to do is bring my own food, but of course people are either very offended or feel so sorry for me that they will try to make something just for me.

I try to avoid dinner parties at all costs with certain people because of this.

What can I say to people who insist I try their food because they made it just for me and they made sure they didn’t put anything in it that I can’t have?

I’m tired of being sick and tired of offending people.

- Sick and Tired

DEAR SICK AND TIRED» It is hard to imagine a person with an undefined autoimmune disorder gathering with others for dinner parties during a pandemic, but, in the absence of that concern, you need only know this >> You are responsible for your health and wellbeing. Don’t leave something so important to someone else.

Your question is full of anticipation and speculation regarding how others will (or might) respond to your self-advocacy. Don’t concentrate so much on how others might pressure you, and keep your focus on your own health.

The answer is that you must bring your own food to gatherings involving food, because you can only safely eat something that you have prepared. Communicate with the host beforehand: “I am on an extremely restricted medical diet because of my allergies, so I need to bring my own food. Will that bother you? I really don’t want to impose or make a big deal about it, but until I get my diagnosis sorted out, it is vital that I only eat food I’ve prepared myself.”

If you feel pressured, respond, “Sorry, no. I know this is a bummer and I appreciate your efforts, but I have to be very strict about this.”

If your friends and family don’t or won’t adjust to your needs, then yes, you will have to avoid situations where you can’t safely resist this pressure.

DEAR AMY » “Conflicted” wrote to you, describing herself as an adopted woman who is hesitant to share news of her birth family connection with her sister.

You are right. Birth family relationships affect everyone in the family.

Both of our children are adopted, fully open with three of their four birth families. Knowing their individual birth families has been a tremendous benefit to both children.

At first, it was scary, but today each birth family seems like another inlaw relationship. Everyone loves a common child, so we have come to love one another.

More love is never a bad thing.

We have a “family orchard” instead of a family tree: one tree each for my husband’s family, my family, and each of their birth parents’ extended family.

Our kids are the roots, intertwined with their birth families, us, and each other.

- Fully Open Adoptive Mom

DEAR FULLY OPEN » A “family orchard” also describes my own family and many others.

Thank you for the beautiful imagery. It’s the perfect way to picture the experience of being in a loving, complex, modern family.

DEAR AMY » “Afraid Grandma” was frantically worried about her grandchildren corresponding with pen pals, thinking that they might be endangered.

Surely, she is old enough to remember when every year most people received a big directory of everybody’s name, phone number and address? Also known as: The phone book?!

- I Remember

DEAR I REMEMBER » Touche!

I think it is wise to be careful about any correspondence - physical or virtual - but these children had parents close at hand, so Grandma needs to let them parent their children.

DEAR AMY >> Several years ago, my husband and I visited his brother and wife for a vacation.

We stayed with them and relied on them for transportation.

One night, we went out to dinner. His brother ordered some fried pickles as an appetizer.

My husband told him he had never had one before and reached over to take one.

His brother slapped his hand hard and told him he would order him his own.

My husband, myself and his brother’s wife were in shock.

Because we were staying with them and at their mercy, we didn’t say anything. I tried to pay for our dinner after that, but his brother refused to let us.

Nothing more was said. Since then, my husband and I agreed if we ever did visit again, we would never stay with them.

The problem is, we can’t seem to get closure on this.

His brother never apologized, nor has it ever been brought up again between the two brothers, even though they have stayed in touch.

Should we ask for an apology? Should we let him know how much we were hurt by his actions? We want to visit again, but we are not sure how to get over this experience.

— Disappointed Sisterin-Law

DEAR DISAPPOINTED >>

Many people treat their dinners like a freewheeling buffet - what’s mine is yours - but there are some people (and I am one of them) who are triggered by others taking food from them, without being invited or asking permission.

What your husband did (“Hmmm, I’ve never had that before; I’ll just help myself”) was also a very sibling-like thing to do, revealing behavior between the two brothers that probably goes back to childhood.

What your brother-inlaw did in response was inexcusable.

Everybody’s reaction since then has been inexplicable.

Your husband and his brother have maintained a speaking relationship. He is waiting for an apology that will never come.

Unfortunately, bro-code often suggests that the aggrieved party should just “get over it,” without an acknowledgment or apology from the aggressor. It’s possible that this twisted ethic actually contributed to the slapping incident, because when people don’t use their words (your husband didn’t ask, his brother didn’t apologize), they tend to lash out, instead.

If your husband wants to get over this, he will have to be brave enough to bring it up: “Look, this may seem like ancient history to you, but it has been weighing on my mind. That time you slapped me at the restaurant during our visit really shocked me. It still bothers me.”

His brother will likely diminish the concern. He might say he doesn’t remember it or deny outright that it ever happened. Be prepared.