Wife wants husband to stop being a nosy poker

DEAR AMY » My husband is taking a company “buyout” this summer, thus retiring from his job.

The concern I have is that he is nosy! He has done things in the past that have upset me and my children (he is their stepdad).

He seems to think he is entitled to go through their rooms and poke through their things, under the guise of cleaning.

He has taken toys out of my son’s room and given them to our grandchildren without asking. He rearranged my daughter’s room while she was at school, and she came back home to a completely re-arranged room.

While helping my daughter’s boyfriend, I caught him going through a box of papers in the back of the boyfriend’s car. I told him that these things were none of his business and his reply was, “It is if I make it my business.”

My kids have given us no cause to go through their rooms - no drinking/ smoking/stealing or other causes for snooping.

My daughter has since graduated from college and is heading toward graduate school.

My son (who will be 21 soon) works and currently lives with us.

My husband has poked around their rooms for years regardless of me telling him that they are older and deserve their privacy. He should not be going through their things!

My son doesn’t clean the way he likes, so he uses that as an excuse to go into his room.

I’m concerned that when he’s retired and at home, he’s most likely going to be going through things he has no right to rifle through.

I know that if I confront him with this worry, he’ll get angry, as he always does.

Any suggestions?

- Pre-Retirement Jitters Wife DEAR JITTERS » Evidently, there isn’t any way for you to advocate for your children’s very reasonable right to privacy without your husband becoming angry, so let him be angry.

I can’t think of any loving spouse who enjoys confronting their partner about a recurring and challenging issue, but if you are too afraid of your husband’s anger to address his entitled and disrespectful habit, then this is a real red flag regarding your relationship.

In fact, the person who rearranges a young woman’s room without asking and who goes through and gives away his stepson’s property, sounds like a bully who believes he can make anything “his business,” and who rules the roost through intimidation.

I could imagine that your son might want to install a lock on his bedroom door, but given that he does not actually own the house (or his bedroom), the better option would be for him to search for other housing. In the meantime, you should urge him to store anything deeply personal or private off-site.

And yes, every time you witness your husband violating your (or someone else’s) privacy, you should call him on it. If you are too afraid of his anger to talk to him about this, then this is not someone you should be cohabiting with in retirement, when he will have much more time on his hands.

DEAR AMY » How can I deal with a co-worker who truly believes the pandemic is a hoax?

He is otherwise great to deal with and pleasant to talk to.

- Stressed in Sacramento

DEAR STRESSED » For now, you should mainly deal with this person at a safe distance.

Otherwise, since the worldwide pandemic is not a hoax, you don’t have to prove reality.

He is making an assertion. So, if you choose to engage with his assertion (I don’t know why you would), then you could ask him to prove that the pandemic is a hoax. But like those people who believe that man’s walk on the moon was staged, you should prepare yourself for an endless stream of nonsense, faked “evidence,” and denial.

DEAR AMY » A reader recently took you to task for suggesting that you might start a first date with the announcement that you have an “event” later in case you want to cut things short.

This is not really lying. The “event” can be seen as a meeting - with yourself. I found this to be quite helpful when meeting online matches for the first time. I kept the first meeting short and then would go home and try to clear my head from that first-date excitement and those impulses that sometimes made me ignore obvious red flags.

- Experienced

DEAR EXPERIENCED » Though tame, I continue to believe that the coffee date is the best and wisest choice for a first date.

DEAR AMY » I’m a woman in my mid-30s. My husband and I are indecisive about having kids. I’m not much of a “kid person.” He is definitely better with kids than I am.

I got along with schoolage and older children well until a few years ago, when relatives on both sides started pressuring us, declaring that we were selfish or missing out on the meaning of life if we didn’t have kids.

Meanwhile, my husband and I are regularly bombarded by photos of the kids in the family, to the point that I have turned off notifications.

Now, I’m uneasy about planned visits from family this summer.

Our relatives have eased up on overtly pressuring us, but I know the adult conversations will revolve heavily around childrearing or discussing the latest results of their “doomscrolling”.

Also, my youngest nieces/nephews, who are kryptonite for my patience, are being brought into the mix.

When they first visited before COVID, my most successful day with them was when they came over to our house, and they were very happy to play with our dog, who is a dream with children.

However, we quickly found that our home is not exactly kid-friendly.

This time, I’m thinking of suggesting an outing or two at a big, lovely park near us that has a well-maintained dog park, plenty of walking paths, and one or two playgrounds. The only downside is the grandparents, who aren’t very mobile anymore, likely couldn’t join us.

Do you have any other recommendations on how I can survive these summer visits?

- Not a Kid Person

DEAR NOT A KID PERSON >> I have been a part of many family groups where the woman is automatically assigned the role of camp counselor and kid wrangler, while the male partner behaves more as a helpful guest, dipping in and out and occasionally grilling meat for dinner.

Maybe you should be the secondary host and primary grill-master during these visits.

Unfortunately, in addition to not being a “kid person,” you also don’t want to see photos of children or listen to parents discuss them. You also don’t want to engage in conversations involving “doomscrolling,” (which is an outsized interest in negative news).

I know that you must have some reserve of patience because you have a dog, so you should work on applying more tolerance toward the people in your life, because your parameters are so limiting that it is as if you are setting yourself - and especially these children - up for failure.

Keep the visit short. Three nights might be best, especially if you have family members staying with you, otherwise, a local motel with a pool would be ideal.

Prepare your house (the way you might for unfamiliar dogs) by tucking away valuables, breakables, and medication.

Ask these parents for ideas in terms of keeping the children occupied, fed and watered, but remember that their parents should always be in charge of them.

Depending on the age of the children, I would plan one larger outing for the morning/lunch, and one mini-outing for the afternoon.