Vaccination conflict interrupts friendship

DEAR AMY >> I moved to a new state two years ago. My neighbor and I have become friendly and have visited in each other’s houses.

A few weeks ago, she plainly informed me that she would not be inviting my husband and me into her house, nor would she come into our house because my adult son is not vaccinated against COVID.

Our son visits once a week.

He had COVID last year and believes the antibodies will protect him.

We’ve had many discussions about the vaccine, but I can’t convince him to get it. He does mask and hardly goes anywhere, except to work. That said, I will still let him visit.

Apparently, my neighbor does not agree it’s safe.

I respect her boundaries. However, I do feel a little hurt.

She recently visited family members in another state, traveling through airports.

After she returned, she resumed her weekly game playing at a neighbor’s house with several women (they’re all vaccinated).

I feel like she singled me out. I wonder if she vets all her friends and acquaintances about their exposure to unvaccinated people.

She’s a very direct person and is not afraid to state her beliefs. We’ve had a lot of good discussions since I’ve known her.

Since the beginning of COVID, she’s had health issues and several surgeries. She’s better now. We spent time in her home and mine, she didn’t require me to wear a mask, even though I offered to.

If she had set her parameters without involving my son, I would have no problem. I told her as much, in a nice way.

I guess I’m asking if you have any advice to help me understand this.

I’m not looking to resume the “friendship” we had, I just want to move on.

I can’t figure out what’s changed.

What’s your take? - Upset

DEAR UPSET >> My take is that winter is approaching and we are about to enter another season of great uncertainty regarding the coronavirus, its variants, and our relative safety. That’s what’s changed. Your neighbor has been frank with you regarding her own intentions. She is obviously upset that your son has refused the vaccine (and it seems that you are upset, too). The only difference is that he is your son. Your relationship with him overrides his choice.

Your neighbor has judged your family’s choices and has made this personal, and you took it personally, but please remember that each of us has to use our own best judgment to address a public health crisis that has hit home and become personal.

Your neighbor’s health may be more uncertain than you realize.

This virus poses more than a biological danger to people. It is also infecting relationships.

DEAR AMY >> I have been married for over 40 years.

When we started our marriage, my wife and I made an agreement to have both separate as well as joint accounts. That way she, who had quit her job in order to support our children, had her own money, just in case something unexpected happened in our marriage. It gave both of us a sense of security.

It is not a question of “trust,” it is a question of “security” that all families should have. Even though we got married with the best of intentions, “stuff happens.”

By having separate finances (savings split three ways: individual as well as joint,) it gave us peace of mind that we would never be “trapped” in a marriage.

It also has a major benefit of helping the family financially in the event that one of us should die unexpectedly and the other two accounts are temporarily frozen.

I highly recommend that BOTH members of a marriage have a separate account and those that are working contribute to both.

And are you breadwinners out there paying your “non-working” partner to raise your children? If not, shame on you.

- Happy and Successful DEAR HAPPY >> I love your suggestion to compensate a partner who is at home with the kids.

DEAR AMY >> “Tennis Bums” had a valid question regarding a soccer player at their public park who kept kicking a soccer ball against the fence surrounding the tennis court.

Your answer was terrible. Tennis requires quiet and concentration. The tennis bums should have asked the soccer player to take his game elsewhere.

- Upset

DEAR UPSET >> I did suggest that they speak with the soccer player, but I also reminded this tennis bum that at a public park, the facilities can be used by everyone.