Hairstylist wonders if she’s ‘worth it’

DEAR AMY » I am a (female) hairstylist and own my small business.

I love my profession and am proud of what

I have accomplished.

Inevitably when I am with others, my profession will come up in conversation.

Oftentimes the people around me will start talking about their hairstylist and begin complaining about how expensive the services are.

I hate this.

I feel immediately defensive. I know how hard I work. I wish they understood that it’s not an “easy” job.

I am on my feet for six to 10 hours a day. The overhead for rent, taxes, and products is high.

I’m sure people don’t understand these things, but I also don’t want to have to explain why I need to charge what I do every time I’m in mixed company.

I feel like my income is being talked about in front of me, and people are saying that I’m not worth it.

I don’t know any other professions that might have to deal with this. How should I respond when this comes up (again and again)?

I would love to know how to handle this with a simple phrase, or do I have to just sit and stew?

- Knotted Up

DEAR KNOTTED UP » I take slight exception to your assumption that people who practice other professions aren’t expected to explain themselves.

Try being a lawyer, physician, or plumber at a party. (Or an advice columnist.)

You don’t have to justify anything when it comes to what you charge for services because every consumer has a choice, and your loyal customers obviously know that you are worth what you charge.

You’ll feel better if you dial into your pride in the worth of what you do, versus feeling defensive about your right to make a good living.

(Think about that famous hair-care advertising campaign: “Why? Because I’m worth it!”)

Here’s a pro tip: A sense of humor always helps. Try this:

They: “Wow, I can’t believe what my hairdresser charges just to cut my hair!”

You: (Wait a beat) “... Well, you could always just cut it yourself. [Smile, throw in a subtle hair toss] After all, that’s what I do ... otherwise, why pay someone else? Because you’re worth it.”

DEAR AMY » Our son is engaged to his girlfriend of five months.

Prior to our knowledge of the engagement, he told us that his girlfriend’s parents wanted to meet us.

I told our son that the typical “meet the parents” moment usually occurs later — and since he had been dating his girlfriend for only five months, we barely even know her.

Our son insisted, so we went along with it, and “met the parents” at a casual dinner at their home.

We learned afterwards that our son and girlfriend were planning to get engaged, and everyone in attendance at the dinner knew that, except for us!

I feel betrayed and resentful toward our son. His insistence to go along with what felt like a “secret audition” at the request of her parents was condescending, rude and disrespectful.

They are now engaged (so we must’ve passed the audition), and I’ve never said a word about this to him, but I continue to have lingering resentment.

What do you think? Was this weird?

- Irritated Future Inlaws

DEAR IRRITATED » Your son seems to have handled this whole situation badly (at least when it comes to you).

My theory is that his fiancée is driving the wedding train. Your son is a passenger, and you and your wife are standing on the platform, watching it slowly pull away from the station.

You were not “auditioning.” Your son is.

He seems to be trying to hew to an old tradition, where the man approaches the woman’s father, “asking for her hand.” This is why her parents knew about this before you did.

This tradition leaves out the groom’s parents. You will discover that many wedding traditions seem to be completely bride-centered.

This is why couples should reframe these traditions to be inclusive.

DEAR AMY » “Guilty” described her desire to go on a cruise with her husband, but both of them were afraid of how her sister, a widow, would react.

I was deeply offended when you described this sister as “an emotional vampire,” just because she wants to be included.

- Upset

DEAR UPSET » I described “Guilty’s” sister that way,

not because she wants to be included, but because she had this couple tied up in knots with fear about telling her that they wanted to have a vacation on their own.

DEAR AMY » My husband died young. He was one of three siblings.

I made sure to visit and call my late-husband’s parents regularly. I consider them family. My own father died when I was young, so my father-in-law was my “Pop-pop.”

My mother-in-law died six years ago, but my father-in-law and I continued to call each other on Sundays. I enjoyed our conversations.

My adult children also kept in touch with him.

Sadly, my father-in-law, well into his 90s, died recently.

His eldest child was the executor and said that his dad had recently changed his will, giving one third of his estate to each of his two remaining children and then dividing the remaining third among all of the grandchildren (there are seven, two of them are my children).

I didn’t expect to receive anything from the estate, although a note acknowledging our relationship sure would have meant a lot.

My father-in-law had every right to determine how to bequeath his money, but I am still having trouble with how this played out.

I feel as though my husband’s life was erased from the story - like he never existed - and that my kids ended up being punished (again) by their dad’s early death.

Am I wrong to be so upset about this oversight?

I want to make sure my daughter-in-law and sonin-law feel valued when I die.

My current will divides my estate between my two children. Is there something more I should do to ensure my son-in-law and daughter-in-law know how much I loved and valued both of them?

Even in the event that I pre-decease these in-laws, what would be a good way to acknowledge that I appreciate them? Should I write those notes now?

Am I silly to think they would mean something?

Should I set aside a portion of my estate for each of them?

- Upset

DEAR UPSET » It would have been judicious for your father-in-law to divide his estate into three equal sibling portions, with your late-husband’s portion given to your children, but he didn’t do that. He cut out your husband and descendants, but you seem to be reacting mainly to the fact that you feel cut out.

Yes, a note to be passed along to you would have been thoughtful, but if you’d received it, you might have felt: “My late-husband was ignored, and all I got was a note?!”

My point is that the reward you received - the legacy - was in the relationship, itself. It was gracious for you to keep in such close touch with your late-husband’s folks. I assume that the elder man enjoyed your weekly phone calls.

But sometimes people bestow a gift and never receive an equivalent return.

Let your own kids’ spouses know that you treasure the relationship with them.

Write these notes now and send them now! And yes, leave these in-laws something special (just for them) in your will.