A partner’s death leads to a tough task

DEAR AMY » This past April, my girlfriend of 10 years passed away. She didn’t have a will or any life insurance. Her brother paid for the cremation. He came to the house to pick up some of his sister’s things.

Her daughter also retrieved some items.

I have no problem with any family members receiving anything they want.

My problem is almost the opposite of that: Nobody in the family wants most of her possessions because they don’t have the room in their own homes.

They told me I could do what I want with her leftover possessions.

I know that people say, “Just have a garage sale,” but I don’t really know how to do that!

I work five days a week. How do I sell this stuff at a fair price?

I’m also worried about people coming to my house and asking about stuff or asking about the price of things.

I guess there are a few nice things, but not that much.

Can you help me get started?

— Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED » Hosting a yard sale can be rewarding in many ways — but the work is made much easier if you have a friend helping you.

There are also individuals and companies who will organize, price, and handle the selling for a portion of the profit. This might be worthwhile for you.

Before you host your sale, go to some other sales on a Saturday to see how things are organized and priced. If you hear about a “multi-family” sale on a specific weekend, you might plan your sale to happen at the same time. (Shoppers like to go from one sale to the next.)

Hold your sale either on the lawn (put things on tables) or in your open garage, with items NOT for sale covered up or behind tape. Keep the house locked. People who attend garage sales will not ask to enter your house.

Advertise your sale well by putting up colorful signs and posting a local notice on your neighborhood listserv and in the local newspaper.

Put price tag stickers on each item — that way you won’t have to answer too many questions.

Have a plan for donating items that don’t sell. After your sale, box these items up and take them directly to your local reuse center, Goodwill, or Salvation Army.

I think of yard sales as a great way to recycle items, by sending your extra goods on to a good home.

Your sale could also help you to move forward after this big loss in your own life.

DEAR AMY » A relatively distant cousin recently eloped.

By “eloped,” I mean that they got married with no invited guests.

She wore a dress, they picked a beautiful spot, and they hired a photographer to document it.

I received an announcement with a link to photos via text message.

Should I send a gift? If so, what would you recommend?

Honestly, I feel more like a “thumbs up” is the appropriate response.

DEAR DISTANT » Despite the undercurrent of disapproval I note in your question, your cousin is not trolling for gifts — but merely notifying you of the happy news of this recent marriage.

If you want to send a gift, then by all means — do that.

I think an appropriate response is to look through their linked photos and return their text message, remarking that you enjoyed their photos, that you hope their special day was joyful and noting that you are very happy for them.

A further generous response would be to add, “As a congratulations, I hope you’ll let me take you both to dinner the next time you’re in the area. It would be nice to catch up.”

DEAR AMY » “Upset Husband” was struggling with his in-laws forcing money onto him and his wife.

I’ve experienced this situation with my own parents. I’ve worked hard and am successful and self-sufficient. They’ll leave cash at my house, and have put money in accounts in my name.

They’re empty-nesters and it makes them feel good to spend it on their children.

How I solved this: The last unsolicited PayPal I received from them, I let them know it’s appreciated but unnecessary.

I made it clear that I’ll accept this one more time and put it toward my mortgage. From then on, anytime they leave cash at my house or send me PayPal, I set it aside and spend it all back on them with gifts and experiences whenever they come to visit.

in a difficult marriage and have struggled with health issues and depression.

I also have two kids with special needs. Some days it takes all of my energy to cope with everything on my plate.

I have felt very alone as I have struggled to manage these challenges.

My mother’s opinion is that people become victims if they talk about their challenges, and so I don’t. My therapist says this tendency creates problems for me.

She isn’t the kind of mom who offers help or expresses interest in my life. It has been heartbreaking for me.

We all live in the same town and we have alternated having each other over for dinner and holidays. Mom has done some kind things, like dropping off goodies for my children. We always thank her in person or call her to thank her, but she expects a written thank-you note for every single gesture.

While I am very appreciative, I often do not have the energy or brain space to write and mail a thankyou note after I’ve already verbally thanked her.

My intent isn’t to be rude — I’m just overwhelmed.

After she and my father have come for dinner, they each write a thankyou note and mail them to us. It would be so sweet, if not for the pointed nature of the notes, which imply that we are not doing the same.

It’s driving a bigger wedge between us. What should I do?

— Ingratiating

Ingratitude

DEAR INGRATIATING » Thank-you notes are meant to express gratitude and to provide a moment of joy for the sender and the recipient.

Thank-you notes are not meant to be used as a tool for passive-aggressive people to lord their good manners over others.

A verbal thank you — delivered in-person or via a phone call — should be considered as an adequate and proper thank you, especially when it is expressed to family members whom you see regularly.

It would be nice for you to perhaps prompt the kids to draw/write a message of love for their grandparents and for you to send it through the mail — for no specific reason.

I suggest that your folks might be playing a little “who did it better” game with you. So — declare them the victors! When you see them, you could say: “I got your thank-you notes for dinner. You’re so good at that — and I thank you for understanding that I’ll never keep up.”

DEAR AMY » I was surprised by your reaction to “Accidental Witness,” who saw a husband kiss the family’s nanny.

My experience of being cheated on was that the deeper, more humiliating betrayal came from the people who knew and didn’t bother to tell me.

I dropped them all from my life permanently, along with the cheater.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » “Accidental Witness” kept passing this (difficult) task onto other people. I appreciate your take on this.