Designer clothes invite fashionable cold shoulder

DEAR AMY » Some time ago I gave my good friend “Cheryl” some very expensive designer clothes I thought she would like, but they were too big for her.

With my permission she showed them to a couple of other people I know, one of whom took the clothing, apparently with delight.

My friend told her that I didn’t want any money for the clothes, but she suggested a bottle of wine would be a nice thank you.

I have seen this woman in passing many times and not one word of thanks has been given.

I have started giving her the cold shoulder, but I don’t think she notices.

It shouldn’t bother me, but it does, so I was thinking of telling her the reason I’m ignoring her.

By the way, I don’t like her anyway!

Should I just let it go?

— Dressed Down

DEAR DOWN » Your story reminds me of the wellknown thought experiment: If you deliver a cold shoulder, but the recipient doesn’t notice, is the shoulder still cold?

I know you understand that when you willingly surrendered these items, they ceased being yours.

Because these clothes came through an intermediary, there is a remote possibility that this recipient does not realize that the clothes actually originated with you.

There is also a possibility that she sold the clothing she received, made a mint, and is now sashaying through town, feeling pretty good about her choices.

You don’t seem to have a positive relationship with her, and so the stakes are different than if you had a longstanding friendship to worry about.

The next time you see this person, approach her and say, “Cheryl told me she passed along some of my clothes to you. I’m wondering how they’re working out?”

Depending on how she answers, you can add: “It was hard to say goodbye to things I love. I was glad they landed in a good home, but honestly, I’m disappointed that you never acknowledged it or thanked me.”

DEAR AMY » I am a 30-year-old wife, happily married to my husband “Randy.”

We are decorating our new home in preparation to start a family.

However, I’ve been very busy at work. My motherin-law, “Kathleen,” offered to help with the house. I’m very grateful. However, when I got home from work last week I discovered that Kathleen had decorated an entire wall of our bedroom with close to 20 photos of my husband’s life, especially from his childhood.

This includes multiple (six) photos of his wedding to his ex-wife, “Sharon” and from their life together.

I acted out and called her immediately.

Am I wrong for yelling at her over the phone?

Kathleen and Sharon are still very close, and I understand why she included her on the wall, but it still makes me very uncomfortable.

What do you think?

— Furious

DEAR FURIOUS » The only thing you did wrong here was to “act out” and yell at your mother-in-law on the phone. I understand your reaction, but you invited her into this task, and when dealing with a new mother-in-law, you should think first and act later, when you are calm and more in control.

In short, in the future, try not to lose it.

Unlike you, I don’t actually understand why your mother-in-law chose to include your husband’s first wedding pictures or photos with his ex on the wall of your bedroom. That is a strange choice. The bedroom is the most intimate room of your house. Exes have no place in the bedroom.

At the least, her choice was in questionable taste. At the most, it was an aggressive maneuver.

It’s your house! Rather than yell at your motherin-law about this choice, you could have just taken down these photos and placed them in a closet — to be dealt with later.

If you’d have been more in control, you could have stated: “‘Kathleen,’ thank you for your help with the house. I appreciate it. But the only wedding photos I’m going to display in our bedroom are my own.”

If your mother-in-law chooses to maintain a close friendship with her former daughter-in-law, there is not much you can do about it.

DEAR AMY » I hate to see all of the letters you run from readers who don’t like you or what you do. Why don’t you run more praising responses?

I love what you do!

— Fan

DEAR FAN » I receive plenty of compliments, and appreciate them all.

This one’s for you.

DEAR AMY » I have recently experienced much tragedy in my life. Our family is reeling.

I had some very close family move away and

have been mourning that; I very suddenly lost my uncle; my sister lost her baby at six weeks. I am walking an intense line between mourning and living my life.

I am young and tempted to just stay home and take care of my parents in their heartache, yet I am going crazy not going out and living my life, even if it’s just sitting in a coffee shop for a few hours.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m deeply hurting, too.

Do you have any advice for elegantly walking the line between grieving and living one’s life?

— Tightropes

DEAR TIGHTROPES » Little

about grieving is “elegant.” In my experience, grieving involves ugly-crying in the supermarket, rages that come out of nowhere, and always losing my keys.

No two people should be expected to grieve alike.

If you accept your role in the family as being younger and perhaps a little more resilient right now than other family members, then yes — if you also allow yourself some healing (or even simply normal) experiences, you might actually be of greater service to them, while also renewing your own strength.

Furthermore, I think it might be good for your sister, especially (if she is local), if you bring her a cup of coffee from the coffee shop, ask her to take a walk with you, and simply let her be however she needs to be in that moment.

Sometimes people who are grieving need to express their grief. Sometimes they need a few moments of “normal.”

Understand also that ultimately your duty is to take good care of yourself.

DEAR AMY » I’m responding to the question from “Mama’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe,” who was wrestling with telling her adult daughter that the man who raised her wasn’t her biological father.

I am a 40-year-old man who recently found out through ancestry services that I was conceived with the help of a sperm donor. I found this a completely shocking and disorienting experience. After a few months of soul searching, I came to love and appreciate my real dad — the man who bought me Christmas presents and taught me how to ride a bike — even more!

I am very grateful that my parents were still alive to process this with me.

I hope “Mama’s Baby” understands that the shock of this discovery will be much harder if their child finds this out when Mom is no longer around to provide any perspective or backstory.

DEAR ISHMAEL » Being confronted with this knowledge can be quite destabilizing. Thank you for offering your wise perspective.