Requesting a wedding ‘plus one’ is awkward

DEAR AMY >> Is there a way that a wedding invitation addressed to my wife and me and our 40-yearold single son could be changed to a “plus one” invitation so my son could bring his serious girlfriend of two-plus years to the wedding?

The groom is the eldest son of our closest family friend.

My son will likely not want to travel from one coast to the other for the April wedding without his girlfriend.

Including our son was probably prompted by the groom’s dad, as he has played a role like a godfather to our son.

If my son were to get engaged in the next month or two (the wedding is in 10 weeks from now), does that alter the situation and your reply?

Simply put, is there any situation where an invitee can ask if they can bring their romantic partner?

— Determined Dad

DEAR DAD >> It is appropriate to include a long-term serious romantic partner in a wedding invitation.

However, if this family is as close to your son as you state, then presumably they would know about this almost-fiance in your son’s life. Furthermore, if your son isn’t invested enough in this wedding to consider going with you (without his girlfriend), then that is another clue that — even if you and the parents are extremely close, he and the marrying couple are not first-tier friends. And it’s their wedding.

You can’t just change a wedding invitation. You can, however, gingerly and respectfully ask if they might have room for a “plus-one.”

When I got married, a couple of people did this, and it was fine. (Worse were those we’d set a place for who accepted the invitation, didn’t show up, and didn’t let us know in advance — and that seems to happen at every wedding.)

And yes, if your son got engaged before the wedding, the marrying couple might be embarrassed if they learned about it later and hadn’t included the fiance in the invitation.

But that is almost the worst reason in the world to rush an engagement.

DEAR AMY >> I know three nice older women in relationships that haven’t led to marriage because the men’s children won’t accept these women into the family.

I was wondering if there are people in that situation where the man has said, “This is my choice and I want you to accept it and her.”

I’m just a bystander, but I am curious. — Alice

DEAR ALICE >> Yes, I do believe that this whole issue of adult children not accepting a new partner is something of a phenomenon.

“Wicked stepmother” tropes aside, I think this complex control issue has to do partly with how these entitled children were raised, how the marriage between their parents ended (whether through death or divorce), and how rapidly the children might believe their parent has moved into new relationships.

I will say this — as a daughter, mother, and very happy stepmother: If you give people power and control over your life, they will happily take it and run with it.

Children who don’t respect a parent’s right to make choices — even poor ones — are assuming control over the relationship. Sometimes they will even shamelessly use access to grandchildren as the anvil dangling over a parent’s head.

And parents who let their children do this have failed in their own responsibility to assert their own rights and command respect.

Yes — sometimes parents do push back against this kind of control. Doing so while recognizing their children’s points of view, addressing their concerns, and moving at an appropriate and determined pace can help everyone to adjust.

DEAR AMY >> I’m a millennial “man,” about to turn 40. I see so many friends my age struggle to pay for and take care of their domestic responsibilities.

I’ve known since I was 30 that I want as little responsibly as possible. My plan is to never get married, have children, purchase a home, or have pets.

I figure I have enough responsibilities: I have to work, pay rent, bills, etc. I do this well. My credit score is 800.

I’m often called a “man-child.” People call me selfish because of my choices.

I’m told to “settle down,” which to me feels like a prison cell of additional responsibilities.

What do you think?

DEAR ANONYMOUS >> When, at the age of 40, you employ scare-quotes to describe yourself as a “man,” I’d say that your primary problem is the way you see yourself.

You don’t mention having parents, but if you do, at some point you may be forced to face the prospect of accepting or rejecting responsibility for their care and welfare.

If you plan to continue to move through the world as if coated in Teflon, then it’s best if you are completely honest with your folks, now. Perhaps you have already done so, and these are the people deriding you as a selfish “manchild.”

You seem to be seeking affirmation, but here’s a tip: You are free to live any way you want!

To me, living a life completely free of attachment, complication or contribution would lack meaning — but you’re built differently.

Whether your attitude is fear-based or enlightened depends on whatever meaning you attach to your own existence and the choices you’re making.

I do think it might be helpful for you to contemplate your own headstone. Yours might read: “Achievement unlocked: Credit score of 800!”

DEAR AMY >> My adult eldest son has not spoken to me in years. I’ve tried multiple times to reach him, but no response.

In fact, last time I saw him, he was rather abusive, mocking my occupation as a Special Education teacher, and constantly trying to influence my other children to leave the house because I was a horrible person.

Unfortunately, I believe he was brainwashed by my ex into creating a horrible image of me after I spent 18 years busting my hide to attend all of his school activities, show up for him in life, and create a great life for him while his father resided in another state.

Recently, my extended family, who I am close to, decided to start a family reunion and you got it, top of their list of invitee’s was my son.

I expressed to my family that I felt uncomfortable with this, and was surprised that some of them did not care.

We are extremely loyal to all of our extended family and attend almost all events and vacations with them.

My husband and I are thinking of not attending the reunion at all because of this. Do you think I am wrong to feel this way?

— Upset Mom

DEAR UPSET >> Family reunions are usually intended to be fun and peaceful meetings of the clan.

But sometimes, these events turn out to be cliquish at the core, surrounded by a series of awkward encounters with family members you’ve never met, others you barely know, and — yes — some you plain don’t like.

You aren’t wrong to feel the way you feel. You might, however, be wrong to let this estranged family member control your presence, with your family, at your family reunion.

Issuing this invitation to your son does not mean that he will attend. In fact, his attitude toward you and others makes it unlikely.

And if he does attend this reunion, you will have lots of support — and many witnesses — if he misbehaves.