Son and parents locked in gender war

DEAR AMY >> I have not spoken to my mother in two weeks. She does not approve of my sexuality as gender-queer and she does not “approve” of my partner. She has sent him vicious and threatening letters, called me at all hours of the day and night and sent a variety of harassing text messages, saying, “You are a joke,” “I want you out of my life” and “You are why I have cancer.”

I find this behavior abusive. I would like to have some kind of relationship with her, if possible, but she forces me to choose between her and my partner.

I am honestly also very concerned about her well-being. She never used to be this irate or abusive. I tried reaching out to my father, her sister and her doctors to say that I am concerned about her erratic and worrisome behavior.

My father responded: “Don’t contact your mother’s doctors anymore. You are making a fool out of yourself.”

Is it foolish to genuinely reach out to professionals when you are concerned about your parent’s mental health? I have now taken the higher road in caring for myself and realizing that I probably can’t change her. DEAR PARENTLESS >> You should not be contacting your mother’s doctors. Even if your concern is genuine, you are not her next of kin (if they are married, your father is), you presumably don’t have a medical directive allowing you to have access to her medical records or make decisions on her behalf, and you are overstepping.

If your mother has cancer, her illness or treatments might affect her behavior. But some people are abusive because they are mean-spirited, or aren’t getting their way — not because they are suffering from an illness. If your mother falls into this category, you should keep your distance.

Stick to the high road. Let things cool down. If she calls you, only stay on the call if she behaves well. Do not reply to any abusive messages, ever. Reach out to people who will open a door to you, not slam it in your face. You have a right to live your life, but for the time being, you should keep your distance from your mother.