Stepmother worries about student debt burden

DEAR AMY >> I have a 33-yearold stepdaughter. She’s single, well-educated, has a very well-paying job and rents an apartment. She has goals to marry, buy a house, have children and have other life experiences.

But she has $60,000 in outstanding student loans.

I am very concerned that she is not more focused on rapidly paying down those loans, particularly while she spends money on travel, weekend getaways and other discretionary purchases.

I worry that carrying these loans in her 30s and maybe into her 40s will derail her from achieving her goals. I also worry that she might think that her father and I, and/ or other relatives, will just give her the money to pay off the loans. We are not in the financial position to do so at anywhere near the level of $60,000.

As stepmother, I am not able to directly address these matters with her. Her father is in a hesitant/reluctant state of mind and doesn’t want to upset his daughter, who never asks for advice and is quick to deflect any offers of same. In addition, he feels guilty that he isn’t able to just write her a check. How can I help him to help her? DEAR WORRIED >> One of the burdens of being a stepparent is that you spend much of your parenting time watching from the sidelines and judging the choices and parenting style of your spouse.

But you don’t carry the guilt your husband does. You will never worry about this daughter in the same way he does.

You aren’t afraid of this daughter’s wrath quite the same way he is.

My main advice is for you and your husband to let this 33-year-old woman live her life the way she chooses to. She sounds smart enough and functional enough to do the math and see where her choices lead her. I’m not sure why she is informing or involving you in her loan load or repayment schedule, but the message from your husband to his daughter should be, “I wish I could, but I cannot and will not help you to retire this debt.”

If she is taking fun and expensive vacations and then complaining to you about her debt, then you get to say, “Well, you’re making choices about the way you want to live. We want you to live your best life and to be happy. If the way you are living is good for you, then keep doing what you’re doing. If not, then you’re smart enough to figure out how to make different choices.”

You and your husband must be on the same page regarding your own shared finances. He should not bail out any family member without your assent.