Expatriate goes on a long guilt trip

DEAR AMY » Iam a 25-year-old living abroad. I have had some wonderful life experiences and have made good friends. I find my work fulfilling.

I am the youngest of two children, with parents who are nearing their late 60s. A few weeks ago my mother wrote me a message telling me how important family is and how much she misses me.

I couldn’t help but feel like it was a guilt trip and my response wasn’t the kindest.

My mother is now healing from back surgery and I feel guilty for not being there to help her (and my sister, who has a new baby) while she heals.

I come home for a few months each summer, but as my parents had me later in life, I can’t help but feel like I am being selfish for taking advantage of this opportunity while they are ageing. — Wondering

DEAR WONDERING » Like you, I lived abroad for several years in my 20s. I understand the mixed blessing of being far away.

However, I’m confused about why you would respond with hostility to your mother’s statement that family is important and that she misses you. The way to respond is to say, “Oh, I miss you too, Mom!”

You seem to have sent yourself on this guilt trip, and it is inappropriate and unkind for you to blame your mother for saying that she misses you. Of course she does!

Your mother is recovering from major surgery. Give her a break, and respond to her with kindness and concern.

It is not wrong for you to live so far away. You don’t report that anyone in your family is pressuring you to do anything differently. The only thing you are doing wrong is to assign your own guilt to the wrong party, and to reflect your own conflicted feelings through hostility. It is easy to maintain something of a presence, through Skype calls, messages and photo sharing.

Apologize to your mother for your own reaction, and reconnect with your family when you’re home this summer. As an adult, you don’t “owe” portions of your life to your parents. You only owe them respect and kindness. I assume that’s all they want.