Family gatherings don’t tempt one sibling

DEAR AMY » Iam the youngest of a pretty big family. My siblings and I are all in our 50s and 60s now.

We have never been particularly close. Once I moved 1,000 miles away, I was no longer invited back home, even for holidays.

When my father died more than a decade ago, we all got together at our old vacation spot and held a memorial. When my mother died, most of us went back to the same place for another memorial.

Neither of these gatherings were all good or all bad. Some petty family stuff came up. Some very nice moments occurred.

This year the oldest of my siblings died. I drove out to his house to take care of things, even though we were the least close of the siblings.

His kids want the family to get together for another memorial gathering. Frankly, I don’t want to go. I didn’t know him well. He was extremely rude to me the last three times I saw him. He was rude to my son. None of our children know each other.

I don’t want to spend time with any of these people. Three of my nieces are also getting married. I don’t want to set the precedent that my children and I will travel for even one event.

Our kids are adults. It is far too late to pretend we ever were or ever will be a tight-knit clan. I’d prefer that my kids not have to endure this weirdness.

I’m tempted to just ignore the invitations. — Youngest of Nothing

DEAR YOUNGEST » You state that you don’t want to get together with family because you don’t know them. But you don’t know them (partly) because you don’t get together with them. This now extends to the next generation.

It is your right not to see family members. You shouldn’t blame them for trying to get to know you and for including you, however.

There is no reason to pretend that you are a big happy family, but seeing people every few years might answer questions, resolve issues, and basically create connection.

Do not speak for your children. They might be interested in meeting their cousins, and might benefit from doing so.

The way to respond to a polite invitation is to thank the person for inviting you, adding, “I’m sorry I won’t be able to come. I hope you have a wonderful time.”