Grandfather is dreading beach time with grandson

DEAR AMY » Help! Soon, my wife and I will be spending our annual week at the beach with our daughter (single mom) and her 8-yearold son. Also present will be our son, his wife, and their two daughters.

My grandson’s social behavior (mostly when he’s with his mom) is, in my opinion, atrocious for an 8-year-old. At the table he pouts, plays with his food, leaves the table, returns, picks food from his mom’s plate, etc.

Often, when out in public, he still throws temper tantrums until his mom bribes and threatens, and finally gives in.

We know there is an issue with no father figure, but this young man is now 8, and the days of bribing, threats and temper tantrums should be over.

Interestingly, when this young man is alone, with me, my son, or both of us, his behavior is exemplary.

In anticipation of bad behavior, my son and I want to confront him, in a gentle way, at the first outburst. Would it be appropriate for us to ask to be excused from the group, go to a private room, and just call this young man out?

Or, should we just do our best to ignore it?

Honestly, if I have to live with this young man and his behavior for a week, this will be the last trip together for us, and we’ve been making this trip for more than 25 years.

— Pappa DEAR PAPPA » This boy is not a “young man.” He is a boy. He is a challenging child, for sure, but please remember that he is still a child, in challenging circumstances.

You and your son should spend lots of alone-time with him while you’re at the beach. Let him choose some things he wants to do, and also include him in some of the rituals you and your son enjoy during your time together. Basically, bring this boy into the “guy” fold, and demonstrate pro-social, polite and respectful behaviors that he can emulate.

Please understand that even if you’re not aware of it, he is watching you. He may also be testing you, so work very hard to be patient.

Start your evening meals by going around the table, where each person says what the best thing was that day. Praise your grandson’s good behavior in front of other people: “Wow, ‘Charlie’ is such a pleasure to be with! He is such a helper!”

Ask your daughter if she would be OK with you and your son taking him from the table (I appreciate your idea, but my own instinct is that this would not work out well).

Your daughter is the one you and your son should speak with (privately) about her parenting. A lot of parents have been helped using the techniques described in “1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting,” by Thomas Phelan (2016, Sourcebooks). Read this book, and share it with your daughter.

DEAR AMY » Recently, while in a large social gathering, my young child pointed to a woman and teased, “You’re fat!”

I was mortified. My child was a distance from me, and I yelled out, “Stop it.”

Then, as the kids ran off in another direction, I proceeded as if nothing happened. Later in private, I sat down with my child. We discussed how people come in different heights, different colors, different sizes. He acknowledged it would be hurtful if someone teased him the same way.

Sadly, this woman excused herself from the gathering quickly. I’m certain the incident was humiliating.

This woman is a valued friend and someone we see regularly. I’ve considered trying to apologize, but it seems like it’d just be a reminder of what happened. Do I keep pretending it didn’t happen? I feel just awful.

— Mortified Mother DEAR MORTIFIED » Contact your friend. Tell her that your child’s behavior in that moment was cruel and embarrassing. Tell her that you have spoken to him, that he is sorry, and that you assume he has learned his lesson. Say that you value your friendship and that anything that hurts her, hurts you. Ask for her forgiveness.

DEAR AMY » “Concerned Aunt and Cousin” were worried about a niece, who used other people’s photos on social media, claiming them as her own.

I am a professional photographer. Thank you so much for underscoring that it is a crime to steal other people’s material.

— Been There DEAR BEEN THERE » Artists of all kinds have their copyrighted material stolen. It is wrong, and a crime.

DEAR AMY » Our nephew is getting married next year and the bride’s family is planning a destination wedding on a Tuesday in Texas. The reception will be at their home that Sunday in Colorado. We do not live near either location.

The challenge is that we have to travel to both the wedding and the reception in the same week. Flights, car rentals and hotels will be needed for both. The cost is honestly less of an issue than the logistics in general and the need to take so much time off of work.

We are very happy for them but I am looking for a gentle way to say we are thrilled to come to one or the other, but won’t be planning to make both. The bride’s mother is very strong-willed and has already made sure to let us know that she is expecting us to attend both events.

Any thoughts or should we just try to be a good aunt and uncle and try to make it work?

— Challenging Wedding Plans DEAR WEDDING PLANS » You should contact the marrying couple (not the bride’s mother) to tell them that you have to choose which event to attend. You needn’t overload them with explanations. Simply convey to them, “We are looking forward to celebrating your wedding with you, and appreciate you including us. Because we can’t go to both the wedding and the reception, which of the two events would you rather us attend? Let us know and we’ll make our plans right away.”

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@tribpub. com.