Should mom tell about teen’s risky business?

DEAR AMY » My 18-year-old daughter and I had dinner with another mother and her daughter recently. We’ve known one another since the girls were in kindergarten.

The daughters went to different high schools and aren’t terribly close, but we still see them on occasion and consider them friends. The mother and I are closer than the girls are.

Both girls are preparing to attend college out of state.

Away from the dinner table, in private, the other girl told my daughter that she is on Tinder and “flirts” with an older man. She says the man is 27.

She told my daughter that she sends him nude pictures of herself, and he sends her sexually explicit pictures of himself.

My daughter is shocked by this. I’m not sure how common this sort of thing is with young women their age. Should I tell my friend what my daughter reported?

I would really appreciate your advice.

— Wondering Mom DEAR WONDERING » If you and this other mother are close friends, you need to approach this by asking yourself if you would want this sort of information about your own daughter. (I would, by the way.)

Both girls are headed to college, where presumably they will each have the freedom to make all sorts of choices — good and bad. As they head out into the world, parents should arm them with as much guidance and wisdom as they can manage.

Your daughter told you this for a reason. You should contact your friend and neutrally report what your daughter told you. Tell her, “I’m telling you this because I would want to know.” Don’t pile on with judgment or any specific reaction, and leave it to this other parent to decide what to do about it, if anything.

The daughters’ friendship, which is not close now, will likely end. I hope that you and this other mother can face this challenge to your own relationship with maturity.

DEAR AMY » “Invaded” described in-laws who babysat for their daughter, but didn’t respect the parents’ parental choices and boundaries.

My husbands’ parents were equally oblivious in terms of baby-sitting. We told them “no wheat” (our son has a gluten allergy) and they replied “that’s a you problem, we’ll feed him what we want,” and that meant junk foods.

We told them “no violent computer games” — and they said, “That’s a you problem” — our 6-year-old son came home and told us he played a computer game where he shot women’s heads off!

Finally, we told ourselves: “The grandparents are deaf to our requests, so no babysitting.”

They just don’t get it. Never have, never will.

— Relieved DEAR RELIEVED » Parents have the right — and the responsibility — to raise their children according to their values and using their best judgment.

People who regularly take care of these children need to work very hard to respect the parents’ judgment and reasonable guidelines.

When it comes to grandparents, I do think there is some room for grands to influence and guide their beloved grandchildren, but they should never do so in a way that undermines the parents.

Your in-laws are now facing the real consequences of repeatedly violating these reasonable guidelines.

DEAR AMY » My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have two wonderful small children and a very busy life. Our problem comes from the way we argue (or the lack of argument, really). He says that I bottle up all of the everyday slights and problems and then explode with complaints that are weeks old and no longer actionable. I admit that he is right, so I try to bring up issues as they occur and not let everything bottle up.

I am very verbal when we do argue, because I have been preparing my thoughts in my head for some time. He, on the other hand, seems to always be silent when confronted with these thoughts. He seems to need some time to process before offering a response.

My question is: would it be awkward to write him a letter with my thoughts, give it to him, allow him time to process, and then have a discussion? I want to have more productive arguments and this is the only thing I can think of!

— Want to Argue Well DEAR WANT TO ARGUE » You are insightful to realize that you and your husband have different communication styles, and that there is nothing “wrong” with the way he processes information and responds.

I think that some people are genuinely afraid to argue, because they equate arguing with “fighting,” and this makes them feel insecure about the relationship. So the first thing you both need to do is to acknowledge and assure one another that your relationship is solid and that it will survive everyday disagreements. It is also important that your children witness your ability to work through problems, and work things out.

I do think it’s a little awkward to write out a list of grievances in the form of a letter, but the person you should ask about this is your husband. He might prefer this to what he perceives as a personal confrontation of stored-up problems.

Another way to handle this might be to have regular “meetings,” where you two sit down on a schedule and review what is going well, and also both bring up tougher topics. If you have scheduled meetings, you might be able to discuss these challenges during times when you’re in a good mood, and not feeling heated.

A book for you to read together is “The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, What they Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Together,” by Judith Wright and Bob Wright (2016, New Harbinger Publications).