New stepmother feels attention deficit

DEAR AMY » Iam 44 years old. My common-law husband is 40. I have a 22-year-old son who lives with us, and my husband has an 11-year-old daughter whose custody he shares 50/50 with her mother.

Our relationship is excellent, and we’re all adjusting to our new family situation, but I’m having some trouble with how my husband treats me when his daughter is with us.

I feel the difference in attention in a very abrupt and hurtful way.

I completely understand and encourage that his attention be focused on his daughter when she’s with us. And we have discussed how it all makes me feel. He has been doing his best to make changes during those times.

How do I make receding into the background easier? I tend to feel rejected and (admittedly) like a spoiled child who doesn’t want to share.

We are working on becoming a family and I need to get comfortable with the new dynamic. Any advice?

— Sort-of Stepmother

DEAR SORT-OF » Start by seeing this from the girl’s point of view. Adolescent girls are at a special and challenging time of life. And a child who has to transition from home to home and share her parents with others is going to feel especially vulnerable. She may express her anxiety through being clingy with her father when she is with him, and he should gently coax her toward you, too.

You need to check your childish reactions, so that there is only one adolescent girl in the house.

Blending is a process which will take many months. It will be full of tiny victories and many setbacks. You all will do best if you develop a routine so that his daughter has a predictable and stable life when she is with you.

You should start her stays with a family dinner. She should then be able to choose an activity to do with her father — going out for ice cream or to a movie. You and your guy should also plan shared activities.

I’d also like to recommend my friend Megan Shull’s wonderful book, “Bounce” (2016, Katherine Tegan Books). In it, a 12-year-old girl “bounces” into many different family situations, learning along the way that she is secure, safe, and loved. Reading and enjoying this together could help you to bond.