In-law wants to protect her investment

DEAR AMY » I’m engaged to be married soon.

My fiancee bought a house last year, with a sizable down payment provided by her mother.

A few weeks ago, my future mother-in-law expressed the sentiment that we should wait to put my name on the deed of the house in order “to see how the marriage works out.”

I understand that she wants to protect her investment, but we have decided to combine all of our finances in an effort to show unity, as well as making house-related issues easier for me to handle.

I feel like she thinks I’m a gold digger. To make matters worse, my fiancee has trouble establishing boundaries with her mother. My future mother-inlaw is fun and generous, and I value her advice, but I could go without directives and intrusiveness in the future.

How do I approach this sensitive subject?

— Confused in California DEAR CONFUSED » I agree with your choice to combine finances, and it sounds as if your future mother-in-law does, too.

You could handle this house situation by drawing up a prenuptial (or postnuptial) agreement where you and your future wife agree to repay her mother in full if/when you sell the house. If you and your wife are both on the deed, you might agree to forgo your own individual share of the value of the down payment if you and she divorce. Work out this agreement with a lawyer’s help.

Your future motherin-law might actually be a great asset to you, if you can listen and learn from her without feeling stomped on. If you don’t want her involved in your finances, do not accept money from her — and pay her back for this down payment as soon as possible.

Like every partnering couple, you and your wife are going to have to work hard to reconfigure your family structure.

Your future motherin-law poisoned the well somewhat by openly expressing her lack of faith in the staying power of your marriage. Your most positive response would be to prove her wrong.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.