Spouse worries about wife’s mood changes

DEAR AMY » I don’t know what do to anymore. My wife of 16 years, whom I love dearly, is not the same person I married. She is prone to mood swings and goes off on our two children or myself at any moment over the smallest things.

Just when I think that things are improving, another episode occurs that sets our lives back.

She has admitted that she’s in a rut. I suggested she go talk to a counselor — but nothing. I suggested we go together to counseling — again, nothing.

When I try to diligently bring up these concerns, it leads to an argument and no resolution. I’m afraid to ask one of her friends to address this with her for fear of the backlash that could come from it. What should I do? — Helpless DEAR HELPLESS » Your wife should see her physician and have a thorough checkup. Any number of medical issues might be contributing to her intense mood swings. In particular, she should have her thyroid checked.

Your children should not pay the price for your wife’s disordered and unstable behavior. Please do everything possible to protect them from rages. You should ask her to leave the room (or you should take the children elsewhere) until she is calm.

A therapist might counsel her to pay close attention to various signals her body sends just before a serious and sudden change in mood. Meditation and/ or deep breathing might help her to regulate. She should look at her stressors or triggers; perhaps you can help her make changes in her life so she won’t feel so overwhelmed.

Instead of asking her to see a therapist during (or just after) an episode, you should talk about it when she is stable. Note the impact this is having on your family, and support her in getting help.

DEAR AMY » I’d like to add my voice to others responding to the letter from “Sad and Mad in California,” whose alcoholic sister, friend and dog were basically living in her yard.

I learned in Al-anon that I would only support recovery for the alcoholic in my life, nothing else. I would have faced the heartbreaking choice and called the police to get the group off my property.

— Been There DEAR BEEN THERE » Thank you for providing your testimony. One reason Alanon is so successful is through people like you lending your important prospective to others currently facing this heartbreak. I hope “Sad and Mad in California” finds her way to a “friends and family” group, as I advised, through Al-anon.org.