Mother raised the kids to be independent. Now what?

DEAR AMY » I have always tried to raise my two children, now 17 and 18, to be independent. They were allowed to make a lot of their own decisions — for better or for worse (although I, of course, gave them guidance when they needed it).

Guess what? It worked! Now they don’t need me or choose to be with me for more than 10 minutes a day, in general. Eating dinner only takes seven minutes, apparently. Then, “I have homework to do.”

The older one is in college and hacking her way through life’s challenges in ways that befuddle me but still seem to keep her on the general path toward adulthood.

The younger one is a great student, responsible and trustworthy, but basically a roommate who forages in the kitchen at midnight.

I know they love me; they tell me reasonably often, and I get hugs now and then.

I am an active person, always with a little project or taking a walk. They NEVER want to do anything with my husband or me unless it involves food or some unusual activity like going to a comedy club.

Museums, movies, TV series, hikes? No way. They are in their rooms, at work or off with friends. I worry about their socialization and lack of activity, even though they’re physically just fine.

They are going to be gone for good before I know it, so my question is this: Do I let them continue to live their own lives for better or for worse, or do I occasionally force them to do things with us and ignore the complaining?

It’s obviously easier for me — and frankly more enjoyable — to just do what I like without having to force others along and listen to their complaining, but I also feel like I’m just giving up and not parenting well. What do you think? — Befuddled Mom DEAR BEFUDDLED » I think that you should occasionally force your kids to do “family things.” This demonstrates that there are times when they should, in fact, engage in relationship-building activities just because other people want them to.

The place to start this campaign might be during your seven-minute dinners.

Your children should in fact be forced to stay at the table and converse — or wait patiently with their phones elsewhere — until everyone is done eating. Then, unless they have cooked the meal, they should clear the table and clean the dishes. This is basic life skills 101.

And yes, occasionally you should force-march them through a family hike or into a museum with you and their father, simply because you are all in a family together. They should also be forced to attend celebrations or memorial services for family members, even if they have other plans. And yes, you should ignore the complaining. And yes, they will still love you.

DEAR AMY » I love my significant other, but when we have issues she stonewalls me.

She has gone through things in her past and they make her shut down when we have problems.

I don’t know how to get through to her. I want to stick around, I want her to get better, but nothing I say is the right thing and nothing I do is the right thing.

I love her so much, but my heart literally breaks every day when she shuts me out.

I don’t want her to go through all this alone, but I am losing myself.

I’m late for work. I neglect school. I don’t get sleep. How can I be a good person to someone who doesn’t want my help and who can’t accept it?

— Upset DEAR UPSET » You can’t be the good person you want to be if you neglect your own health and well-being trying to serve the needs of someone who rejects your efforts.

The first step toward emotional healing and wellness for her would be to learn how to generously love the person who loves her. If she isn’t willing to at least try to communicate, then you should consider leaving the relationship, for your own sake.

DEAR AMY » “Dreading” was very concerned about how to behave around his brother, who had recently come out as gay. Instead of offering him support, you used your answer to promote yourself and your liberal views. Shame on you.

— Unhappy DEAR UNHAPPY » “Dreading’s” brother’s sexuality is not up for debate. Treating this gay brother simply like a brother instead of some sort of gay problem would have been a good place to start.

DEAR AMY » Two days ago, a good friend of mine (and mother of three) told me in confidence that she has been having an affair with a colleague from work. She has asked me not to share this information with my husband, as he is a good friend of her husband’s. I agreed to keep the secret.

I want to honor her request, but I am also torn, as I now feel I am keeping a secret from my husband, whom I would usually turn to for advice. I want to be loyal to my friend, but was her request unreasonable?

— Confused DEAR CONFUSED » Your friend’s request was natural — she was relieving herself of a secret by passing it along to you — but it is also unreasonable.

When someone asks you, “Please, don’t tell this to anyone,” it is legitimate for you to respond, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that.”

Now that you have agreed to keep this confidence, you should try to keep it, however.

I would frame this less as “secret keeping” and more as this not really being your — or your husband’s — business.

If you told your husband, aside from relieving yourself of this burden, what would be the purpose of your disclosure? This knowledge would force him to make the tough decision about whether to tell his friend that his wife is cheating on him. This inserts the two of you into the middle of their marriage.

If your friend decides that you are her special confidant concerning this affair and if she chooses to unburden herself further, it would be wisest for you to tell her, “I need you to know that knowing about this makes me very uncomfortable. I wish you weren’t doing this at all, but at this point I don’t want you to discuss it with me. I realize that your behavior has a huge impact on you and your family, but it has also put me in a very tough spot.”