Secret resurfaces when principals die

DEAR AMY » A year after my mother died, I woke up to the sounds of my father and my married aunt (my mother’s sister) having sex in the living room.

I was 17 at the time and had to go to school the next morning. I was panicked that I would run across my aunt when leaving, since she was now in my father’s bedroom down the short hall from my room.

I waited in my room until she left. I never told any of my siblings or any other family or friends about this.

I did share this with a therapist, who suggested that I needed to tell at least one of my siblings, but I did not want to upset them or be accused of lying.

My father and I did not always have a great relationship as he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. All of this happened more than 30 years ago. My father recently died, my aunt died over a year ago. I thought I had dealt with this and moved on years ago, but I am now feeling the need to share this secret with a sister.

I know this will hurt whoever I share it with, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. Should I continue keeping this to myself?

— Secret Keeper DEAR SECRET KEEPER » If you feel the need to share this and discuss it, then it is important to carefully pick the person, the place and the moment.

Choose your most sympathetic sister, and tell her, “I’ve been sitting on something for 30 years, and I really need to unburden myself and discuss this with you. I do not want to hurt or upset you — or anyone.”

Understand going in that your motives might be questioned. Needing to release your first-hand knowledge of an incident you’ve been burdened with carrying for 30 years is (in my mind) sufficient motivation, but you might be accused of trying to smear two people who are no longer here to explain or defend themselves.

You also cannot rightfully ask your sister to also keep this a secret.

The best-case scenario is that your sister may help you to understand or put this incident into a workable context. She may already be aware of this — or another similar episode. Discussing your father’s behavior might release you from your own memories and emotions.

Contact Amy via email at askamy@tribpub.com.