Couple shunned after only son’s suicide

DEAR AMY » Our son and only child committed suicide eight years ago, a week after he visited us for his 30th birthday.

Immediately after his death, we lost many “friends,” and after all this time, they still shun us.

I researched the matter: It is very common that people shun you about this. Others excuse this behavior, saying, “Maybe they didn’t know what to say.”

However, those shunners are all highly educated, happily socializing people, adept at online research. There is no excuse. They helped to ruin my life. There is no solution to their having compounded my lifelong grief. — Grieving

DEAR GRIEVING » I’m so very sorry. Unfortunately, I am familiar with this phenomenon — and many people who have lost family members to suicide have also experienced the additional loss of friendships. It is all part of the heartbreaking collateral damage related to mental illness, as well as the lingering taboo of suicide.

People can behave in such baffling and disappointing ways — almost always based on what they need, and rarely what you might need. My hope is that you can find a way to release your anger and pain about this, and turn your attention toward celebrating the friends — old and new — who have remained steadfast through this.

You might be helped through reading, “The Unspeakable Loss: How do you Live After a Child Dies?” by grief counselor (and grieving parent) Nisha Zenoff (2017, DeCapo Lifelong Books).

DEAR AMY » I really appreciate all of the literary references you make in your column! I saw a “Tennessee Williams” reference last week that really made me smile. But don’t you worry that all readers won’t really “get” them?

— Appreciative DEAR APPRECIATIVE »

Thank you! I’m a proud English major. In my own reading, I don’t always “get” everything, and I think that’s perfectly fine.