Sour relationship leads to estrangement

DEAR AMY » I’m struggling with family drama.

My husband and my mom do not get along, especially since our son was born.

My husband and my mother had a significant fight, and my mom ranted to her parents about it. My grandparents then told me that my husband was not welcome at their house.

I opted to not attend holidays in support of my husband. My mom is not willing to help fix the situation she caused. She also won’t defend me, as my grandfather said some really mean and unfounded things. My grandparents didn’t attend my son’s first birthday or first Christmas, and we haven’t spoken since.

I truly don’t know where to go from here. My relationship with my grandparents is nonexistent, and my relationship with my parents is declining, as they have not shown me any support. They have maintained their relationship with my grandparents and are acting like nothing has happened. What do I do?

— It’s All Too Much DEAR TOO MUCH » Your parents are aligned with your grandparents, possibly for the same reason that you are aligned with your husband: they are family, and family members are expected to be in one another’s corners. This is an ancient dynamic, but it doesn’t absolve anyone from fault — or forgiveness.

It might be unrealistic of you to expect your folks to confront their folks, just as you aren’t confronting yours. Don’t expect your parents to defend you. Stand up for yourself.

You should reach out to all parties and simply ask them to communicate with you in order to try to clear the air. Say, “This drama is hurting me. I want us to have a peaceful, respectful relationship, and I’d really like to talk about what’s going on in order to try to move forward.”

You don’t indicate the nature of this “significant fight” between your husband and your mother, but your husband also needs to behave like a grown-up and accept any responsibility for his role in this.

In-laws do not actually need to like one another in order to have a relationship. They only need to keep their eye on the prize (family harmony, and peaceful and healthy relationships with the children). To reach this goal, they should at least learn to tolerate each other, not badmouth one another to other family members, and resolve disputes when they arise.

If your grandparents are comfortable cutting off your whole family and refusing to see their own great-grandchild (very sad), then you could assume that this dynamic goes back at least a generation. Don’t perpetuate it.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.