Girlfriend wonders how to exit abusive relationship

DEAR AMY » My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years, and I’m ready to move on.

He doesn’t work and has been dealing with some long-term health issues.

If I asked him to move out, he wouldn’t be able to support himself. He can file for disability, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t do anything to take care of himself.

I’ve tried to leave him several times before and he always flips out. He goes crazy. He destroys my things, slashes the tires on my car, rages at all hours and says horrible, awful things.

All of this would be tolerable if I didn’t have two young children. How do I break this man’s heart and tell him we’re done in a way that will help him accept it and leave peacefully?

— It’s Time DEAR IT’S TIME » None of this abuse and violence should be at all “tolerable” under any circumstances. The fact that you have young children makes it even more important that you leave this relationship. He will not leave — you will have to do that.

The most dangerous moment of life with an abusive partner is when you try to leave. I think it is quite obvious that you will not be able to leave with his assent.

You should develop a safety plan. Document all instances of physical abuse and destruction. Gather all of your important documents, cash and some clothes for you and the kids and keep them somewhere outside the home. Contact a domestic violence shelter. Go to court to swear out an order of protection. Share your plan with a trusted friend or family member.

I’m urging you to take this very seriously and to do everything possible to get you and your children to safety. For support and information, check the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) and/or call (800) 799-7233.

DEAR AMY » Like “Upset,” I, too, have been caught between friends after a breakup. I was given an ultimatum by one of the parties. I simply stated, “Be careful what you are asking, for I will choose the person not making me choose. I will not let anyone selfishly dictate who I am friends with.”

This caused my friend to realize how manipulative she was being. She has since learned to be civil in mixed company.

— Been There, Said That DEAR BEEN THERE » Brilliant.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.