Mom wonders how to react to estrangement

DEAR AMY » I have two children in their 40s. I divorced their dad several years ago. My daughter does not want me in her life. I think she holds me entirely responsible for the divorce, but I don’t really know. I have never had the opportunity to tell my side of the story, and part of me feels that dirty laundry just needs to be “kept in a corner” because at the end of the day, my ex is still their father.

My children were grown before I decided that I needed a life. I did not leave for another person. I left because the marriage was just not healthy. I left for my own mental health.

I send my daughter cards, money and gifts for holidays. She never thanks me. I get nothing for my birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day — not even a text.

I am not looking for gifts, I just want some contact.

I have a great relationship with my son. We have talked honestly about the past, and he seems to understand.

For my daughter, I cannot fix what I don’t know is broken.

I am torn between trying to keep the lines of communication open and simply shutting this door. While I am getting some emotional support via therapy, it still hurts and it always will.

What do you suggest? While I would never shut the door on my child, the continual silent treatment keeps me in a spin.

Do I continue with the gifts/cards, or just let it all go, in hopes that someday, maybe before I die, she will come around?

— Sleepless and Hopeless DEAR SLEEPLESS » Cards, money and gifts are not really effective bids for connection, certainly when an honest statement is due. It is surprising that you are so forthright in your question to me, when you won’t be so with your daughter.

So stop with the cards and gifts. Send a letter or email. Pour it all out. Read it several times, share it with your therapist and wait a few days before sending. Offer to have a dialogue. Leave it openended. Encourage her to do as you have done and state how she feels. Her problems with you might not be related solely to the divorce, but to other issues stemming from her childhood, or your relationship. She might be depressed and isolating herself for other reasons entirely or she may have unconsciously absorbed the lesson from you that it is better to sweep things under the rug than state her own truth.

After that, you should continue to contact her if you want to, but don’t do so expecting her to respond in any particular way, and especially on holidays, which are emotionally loaded, and which challenged family members tend to avoid.