Uncle wonders why family members are ghosting him

DEAR AMY » I grew up with two siblings — a brother and a sister. My brother, his wife and three children lived near our parents. My family and I (wife, two children) lived some distance away. We maintained contact through holiday cards and drop-by visits. Everything was cordial, if not particularly close. In hindsight, all direct interaction with my folks was always at our initiation.

Sadly, my brother passed away quite suddenly a few years ago. He was still a relatively young man. My SIL still maintained infrequent, cordial contact surrounding major events (kids’ graduating, my father’s passing), but that’s about it.

About a year ago my SIL married an old flame from college. She moved to his town, some distance away. We lost all contact. It was not just us — she and her children essentially “ghosted” their paternal grandparents, which was a source of great pain for my late father.

Strangely, last week I learned that SIL and her daughter (same age as one of my children) had relocated again six months ago. They are now living within 10 minutes’ drive from my house. I guess the previous relocation and marriage didn’t work out.

I am trying very hard to empathize with her: Perhaps they just suffered another in a series of terrible situations. But then, why pretend that my family and I don’t exist? Why not make any effort?

My wife is furious and considering not giving any more graduation/wedding gifts to the nieces/nephew from this part of the “family.” Your advice? — Ghosted Uncle DEAR UNCLE » I’m wondering why you are ghosting your nieces/nephew. Their father died suddenly. They were relocated to a faraway town for a marriage that turned out to be very short term. Then they moved again.

Were you ever a teenager? (I’m guessing at the ages of these kids.) Would you have initiated contact with your aunt and uncle if there had been sporadic contact in the years after a parent’s death — and then no contact for at least a year?

Your sister-in-law might be depressed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, introverted, or — just doesn’t like you very much. She has done a poor job of staying connected to her children’s relatives. What’s your excuse? You should reach out through whatever means you have. Express enthusiasm that they are so close, and offer to lend a hand/ get together.

Your wife’s idea to punish these children by not celebrating their milestones is — unkind. I hope you’ll both choose to behave differently in order to demonstrate to your nieces and nephew how to be in a family.