Male friend constantly confronted with his privilege

DEAR AMY » Iama male with a female co-worker, “Danica.” I like Danica. We have a similar sense of humor, and I get the sense that she wants to be better friends.

However, she has a strong (and unwarranted) tendency to see injustice, racism, sexism and homophobia in innocuous interactions.

For example, once outside of work, I innocently inquired as to whether she was happy in her life, and she viewed this as a sexist and patriarchal question that basically reduced her to a damsel in distress.

However, as I explained to her, this is something I ask my friends of all genders.

She sees harassment, condescension and coercion where there isn’t any.

While I’m mostly aligned with her political views, she thinks that by me denying her unwarranted claims of sexism around every corner, I am claiming victimhood because my “privilege” is being questioned.

I feel like we could be really good friends, except I feel she sees innocuous events through the lens of what some people might describe as a “social justice warrior.”

How can I address my issue with her, without her claiming I’m just being sexist?

— Frustrated Friend DEAR FRUSTRATED » While I’m tempted to advise you to say, “Oh, Danica, you’re so cute when you’re angry...” I don’t think I can help you to best this social justice warrior, because no matter how you respond, she can always accuse you of using your “privilege” to dominate her. So query her about her own intolerance.

She needs to be given the opportunity to exercise the kind of tolerance that she would no doubt champion, in a different context.

The next time she shuts you down, you could ask her, “Danica, are you willing to try to be more tolerant toward a viewpoint that doesn’t always align perfectly with yours?”

She needs to be given the opportunity to exercise the kind of tolerance that she would no doubt champion, in a different context.