Encountering long-lost aunt prompts talk

DEAR AMY » As a child, I only met my maternal grandmother, who visited — along with my aunt — twice. My uncle called once or twice a year.

I asked my mom about her family. She said, “Some families are just that way.” I let it go, but was always curious.

At a recent, away-fromhome conference, I was taken aback to find my aunt on a speaker panel! Two women sitting at my table knew my aunt and mom from high school. They were “chatty” and talked about what a smart, funny, warm person my aunt is. They talked about how she sacrificed and endured such hardship to care for my grandparents and uncle in the years before they died. They tsk-tsked about how sad that my aunt’s only family abandoned her ill family.

They described Mom as a narcissist, and told hurtful stories. I didn’t say anything, and left early, upset.

I don’t blame my mom for wanting the freedom to create her own. I also now understand how hard this was for my relatives, and especially for my aunt, who carried the load.

My mother can be guarded and avoidant of conversations. I don’t want to hurt her, but how can I discuss it without opening a can of worms?

— Both Sides Now DEAR BOTH SIDES » You don’t seem to have introduced yourself to your aunt — or disclosed your very close relationship to the woman your tablemates were gossiping about. I mention this to illustrate the very long tentacles of family estrangements.

It’s time to open the can. I suggest that you introduce this by saying, “Mom, I want to have a conversation about our family. Please bear with me.” Then, you should disclose your experience at the conference. Tell her that you find this confusing, and that you would like to understand from her perspective. Tell her, “I’m not judging you, but I want to understand why we don’t have contact. Can you tell me about it?”

You should decide whether you want to independently contact your aunt (I vote yes).

Read: Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace after Being Cut Off from a Family Member,” by Mark Sichel, (2004, McGraw Hill).